Half full or half empty? Does it matter?

You’ve probably all heard it. The debate over the partially-filled glass of life.

Optimists enthusiastically argue for why it is half full, pessimists or realists, as they prefer to be called, argue for why it is half empty. But does it really matter?

Here’s an interesting view expressed by Sean Anchor a well-known positive psychologist (thanks to a reader and fellow happiness propagator for sending it in) to expand the conversation:

https://www.facebook.com/oprahwinfrey”>Oprah Winfrey

The half full/half empty debate is a long-standing one. The Freudian perspective would suggest we should be leery of the rose-coloured view of the world, that it is precariously perched on psychological defenses.  More modern views would argue that if you see things in an overly positive way it offers protection from the knocks of life.

Sean Anchor’s proposal that we shift our focus from the glass to the pitcher is expansive in a couple of important ways. One point he makes directly is that we can all reach for the pitcher and top ourselves up. That is, our starting point, optimistic or realistic doesn’t really matter if we all have access to the pitcher. And he argues that we do! What tops us up, is up to us (likely to be defined by our personal definitions of what gives us pleasure, engages us, provides meaning, enriches our relationships and helps us to achieve what’s important to us).

One could take it one step further. From a mindful perspective one could argue that there’s value in just stepping back, seeing the glass (as we see it already) and noticing the pitcher (to take in the broad or whole view). This would give us equal opportunity to decide whether, or not, we have any interest in reaching for it.

Your glass is half full. So be it.

Half empty. Just as valid.

May deflate the debate, which for some is where the fun is. But before getting back into arguing about it, take a moment to step back and notice your glass and how full it is. Consider first whether you have interest in topping it up. Then feel good about choosing to accept things as they are, as you wish them to be, or take action and top up!

And no worries if we all reached for it, remember the pitcher is bottomless!

 

Go looking for trouble…to find more happiness

“Life is trouble. Only death is not. To be alive is to undo your belt and *look* for trouble.” (excerpt from Zorba the Greek)

Strange counsel indeed in the quest for greater happiness. But there’s no avoiding it. Happiness is part of a package or as Jon Kabat-Zinn refers to it part of “the full catastrophe” of living.

Sure one may attempt to live only a restricted range of the human experience, a life of pleasant emotions created by carefully making each decision, selecting each relationship and cautiously entering into each experience. And to some extent, good living comes from sound decisions and choices.

But herein lies the danger. Too much care and  too much caution, too much “avoidance” of situations that may cause fear, pain and disappointment rob us of the opportunity to fully experience deep connection, profound joy, full engagement, satisfaction and radiant pride. In fact to avoid such emotions results not only in a restricted set of emotions but a restricted life.

Humans are wired to avoid dangerous situations. True. But this wiring was intended to protect us from threats of life and death. Also true is that the same physical reactions can be triggered by emotionally scary situations as truly life-threatening ones. But it’s up to us ultimately to see and make this distinction.

In the interest of avoiding unpleasant emotions we can effectively avoid living and approaching what truly makes us “happy.” Few people can find their happiness from their safe and secure place. Most people have to go out there and stir up “trouble” to even approach what could be their happiest place and run the risk of embarrassment, disappointment, maybe even failure.

But it’s the only path. There’s no tunnelling under, no bridges over, there’s only through.

Rest assured that the path to greater happiness is not paved with random trouble (well some but not mostly). The trouble to seek is more targeted, more specific. It’s the scary stuff that’s sitting between you and what you identify as your source(s) of happiness.

Do that work first. What do you want? What’s most important, stimulating, joy-creating, connection-building for you. Then consider whether you are moving actively toward or away from those things you’ve deemed most important. If it’s away you know you need to start making course corrections.

Choose an area you’d like to tackle, in an area important to you (your relationship? your work? your health?). Lay out the path forward and start tackling small bits of “trouble” that can move you “toward” your happiness. Show yourself that a racing heart and wobbly knees are a small price to pay for the satisfaction of approaching what you want.

Before you know it you will find yourself engaging more fully, embracing the good with the bad, turning over the stones you need to in order to create the life that you want, accepting the full range of emotions .

Do the work. Define the target. And set a course. Then go ahead and give  yourself the mandate to get out there and stir yourself up some trouble!

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” ― Jonathan Safran Foer

Try letting go!

A recent post on the “happiness contagion” phenomenon (whereby our happiness quotient is favourably influenced by positive agents in our social network) has generated some productive offline discussion.

In general first reactions are quite favourable. Yes, this makes good intuitive sense. More emotionally healthy people in a network has positive benefits for everyone in that network. Hard to argue with that. Learning that the contagious effect is greater for positive influence than negative. That’s even better news!

 

But herein lies the next level of reaction. But what about the potentially more negative influencers in our lives. What do we do about them?

There are two realizations behind these reactions:

First people understand that sometimes there’s just no choice about it. We don’t get to select everyone we have relationships with. Some people are “assigned” to us by a variety of forces.

The second is that there are some people we want in our lives, that we’re not ready to let go of for a variety of reasons (they are long-time friends, family, people we feel compassion for and attachment to). Whatever our reasons, we want to keep them in our circle though we recognize that the dynamic may not be the most emotionally healthy for us (or for them probably).

While we actively strive to create a health environment for ourselves, it remains that our whole circle includes a variety of players who “pull” for different things in us.

Relationships are inherently dynamic. We feel the tension, the push and pull of our relationships. And it’s especially the pulling that can cause the distress, feeling pulled and carried off by relationship tensions that we had no intentions of engaging in. People describe the power that they feel these dynamics have over them, dragging them automatically into places they never intended to go as if against their will.

As I reflected on this I was reminded of an early and very brief brush with water boarding. I recall vividly floating in the water as I was “briefed” on what I was about to experience: “here’s the board, put your hands here and here and hold on!!” Before I knew it I recall being “dragged” kicking and screaming, rather  painfully across the lake. For what felt like an eternity I could faintly see arms waving at me and distant calls from the (lucky) people still in the boat. Finally the voices came in clearly “let go of the rope!”

It was sage, practical advice that strangely hadn’t occurred to me.

I notice that it’s something we too seldom consider in relationship. We feel pulled, we feel frustrated at being engaged once again in a familiar exchange, disappointed at repeating the same old dynamic. And yet sometimes we never entertain that we could try “letting go of the rope.” There can be no tension if we don’t hold up our end.

If you’ve decided your less-than-growth-promoting relationship is a keeper for you or in some cases an obligation, entertain the possibility of how you can hold the relationship but loosen the tension, even let go of dynamic. Any change in stance that we take risks changing the relationship.

At the very least, we can rest our tired arms and observe a little what happens. And if we pick the rope back up, it will be by choice.

So if you find yourself having that “man overboard” feeling about one of your relationships experiment a little. Even consider letting go of that rope and float a little. Amazing what a refreshing dip in the lake can bring by way of new perspective!

 

The happiness commandment?

Those of you well-versed in the 10 commandments would probably be surprised (with good reason) to learn that there once existed a “happiness commandment.” Wait, weren’t the 10 commandments issued to curb and control our base human nature, instilling discipline by striking fear into our hearts so that we may live a better life in the hereafter? (liberal interpretation)

Well not for Pope John XXIII, also known as the “Smiling Pope.” Interestingly, Pope John XXIII issued his own decalogue (set of 10 commandments) but his were of a very different nature (clearly) and included his personal, daily intention to be happy.

It goes like this: #3 “Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.”

 

An inspiring and uplifting evolution from the original 10! One shudders at the mere mention of the words “thou shalt not…” without even knowing what may follow. Savour the difference in a commandment that starts  “only for today I will…”

Your intention, guided by you, to engage in something life-affirming for just one day. Now this might be possible!

Herein lie the contrasting views of human nature. One that we cannot trust ourselves, that we need to be managed by fear and discipline, happiness reserved for the afterlife. The other that we can trust in our goodness, that we were built for happiness and that we’re meant to experience it now. Some also believe that it is their responsibility to be happy, in order to better serve.

Trusting yourself. Trusting that you are good at your very core is hard. Hard for many, maybe even most to let go of self-judgement and guilt.

But there is a wealth of human potential that is blocked. Blocked by the effort and energy spent on controlling and disciplining. There are capacities not accessible in a state of fear.

Imagine instead that en masse we decided to follow the happiness commandment. That people believed they were good down to their very core, that we are meant to be happy in the here now. Imagine the capacities we would unleash on ourselves, on others.

But maybe we don’t have to imagine it. Maybe we could try it. Maybe all hell wouldn’t break loose if we tried it…just for today.

If you’re curious about the other 9 commandments of “the Smiling Pope,” check them out below, you’re sure to find a little inspiration for your day:

http://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/secretariat_state/card-bertone/2006/documents/rc_seg-st_20061011_john-xxiii_en.html

Breathe!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before you continue reading, pause and treat yourself by following these simple instructions:

Place your feet flat on the ground, relax your shoulders, place your hands in your lap.

Now follow this pattern:

Inhale for a count of      1  –  2  –  3           (letting your belly expand)

Exhale for a count of     1  –  2   –  3  –  4  (letting your belly contract naturally) and then pause

Inhale     1  –  2  –  3

Exhale    1  –  2  –  3  –  4   pause

Inhale     1  –  2  –  3

Exhale    1 –  2  –  3   –  4   pause

Continue for 10 repetitions.

How do you feel? warm? tingly? calm?

Just in case you don’t recognize it anymore, this is how relaxed feels!

We scarcely notice anymore that many of us are walking around in heightened state of alert.  We often aren’t aware of or we underestimate the impact it has on us, on our capacity to be well and make good choices.

True, our (“fight or flight) state of alert is a “natural” human state in response to threat. But we were not designed to sustain it for prolonged periods of time.  Even if our bodies could sustain it, it doesn’t serve us. Yes, it is VERY useful in response to an ACTUAL threat (the classic bear), it is unhelpful in response to the threats of modern living that we experience today (financial, performance, and relationship pressures and challenges).

This alert state causes a narrowing of our field of view and a “flight” orientation that can easily kick off a unproductive chain of avoidance reactions when what we really need to do is to calm down, see a field of options, reflect, evaluate, and take the most appropriate course of action.

Another side effect is that we’re reverse-engineered to use our bodily state to interpret or evaluate danger. That is to say that if our bodies are in a state of alert our mind perceives that we must be in danger (otherwise why would our body be preparing to flee!). This in turn causes us to misperceive or exaggerate the threats we are truly facing.

In contrast, when we breathe slowly, we calm down, and things slow down. We come back to now and what we’re really facing. We take back “control” of situations that feel “out of control” by restoring our capacity to see more broadly, more realistically, and work through a more grounded set of choices before acting.

So, if you find yourself having a hard time “getting a grip” take it back to basics and BREATHE…SLOWLY.

Take daily breathing breaks.

It’s easy.

It’s silent.

It’s unobtrusive (except that your friends and colleagues may notice that you are suspiciously relaxed).

And you’ll soon feel the impact on your state of mind and the quality of the choices you can make.

We can all certainly use more of those!

AND breathe IN  2  –  3 …. and OUT  2   –  3   –  4 …

You’ll be glad you did!

 

 

 

 

Happiness loves company (too)!

You’ve all heard the old adage “misery loves company” but did you know that happiness loves company too? And even more so!

This effect was deemed the happiness “contagion” effect to describe the tendency for people to be happier when in contact with other happy people (beyond happy people simply associating with other happy people).

A study by Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler reported in the British Medical Journal indicates that your happiness improves by virtue of your connection to other happy people! 

Interestingly the effect holds for 3 degrees of separation, with, not surprisingly, greater benefit for closer relations (around 15%) but bumps up of as much as 10% for even a friend of a friend who is happy.

Be assured that the definition of happiness went beyond the stereotypic happy mood and included enjoyment of life, optimism about the future and self-valuing (all possible without having a “happy-go-lucky” disposition). I’ve come to understand that people question the depth of people’s happiness with these kinds of findings (more than they doubt the depths of despair for some reason) so you may wish to go explore the details to the depth of your satisfaction but know that the effect is real and replicated.

By the way the counterpart is also true. Research also shows similar effects for health habits such as smoking and obesity. That is, that the people we have in our network affect us for better or for worse, though the effects are encouragingly stronger for happiness.

So for the pragmatic reader – what is one to do? Fire your unhappy friends?

That may be a rather radical place to start. Try this on instead…in this world of contagion you are both an influencer and an influencé (yes I made that up but you get the idea!).

Why not start with influencing? If happiness includes “positive” mood, engaging endeavours, meaning and purpose, and rewarding relationships why not start by being the change? or being “the happiness” as it were in your network.

Share what’s going right with your life, the real and authentic ways you are taking on life with optimism and authenticity, the ways and places you’ve found meaning, inspire and invite your friends and relations into the experience.

People are inherent connectors, but connectors who are powerfully influenced by social norms. If the trend is to share disaster, catastrophe, and despair they’ll do that before they’ll stop connecting. But they may just as readily share joy, meaning and purpose when the norm changes and they are invited into a new way of relating (some you’ll find were already there!)

Why not enlarge your network? Start by noticing how you feel with different people. Don’t you find that some people provoke compassion, inspiration, meaning and motivation in you? Are you spending enough time with people like this? Do you need more of them in your life? Pay attention to how you feel and direct your time and focus accordingly. Seek out people who inspire the feelings you want more of in your life!

Reflect and refine your personal network if you need to. Take the time to think about what’s most important to you in your life and consider who and what supports you. Relationships are a very important part of our moods, our sense of history, connection, engagement and meaning. Don’t cast them off carelessly. Invest in them to make them what you (and they) need them to be.

Yes you may find that in a few rare cases you may have difficult decisions to make, bu you probably already had that sense based on how you felt influenced by them. Maybe you simply want to does how much time you spend in their company because they are still important to you. Whatever your decision, you’ll be more ready to do that after you’ve first tried to shape that relationship. And you may also be pleasantly surprised at how much richer your relationships can be when you take an active role regardless of the outcome.

Set the tone for what you want to attract. More recent studies have been focused on social media to see how readily positivity spreads through networks. Results have been trending (and more strongly) in the same direction. What you post or share, does, as intended influence your network. A positive post leads to 1.75 positive posts in your network.

Not to be taken too literally or mathematically, use these findings to contaminate your own network with what you want in your life!

Don’t be surprised when you get what you ask for!

 

 

 

DON’T think positive!

No, this isn’t one of those “reverse psychology” tricks to get you to “think positive” by telling you not to (like trying not to think of a pink elephant).

Instead, it’s a legitimate and authentic plea to stop subjecting yourself (and others) to this wrong-minded advice!

Unfortunately, one of the most common associations with happiness in popular psychology is just this sort of advice, to layer positive on top of negative.

I would wager that the thinking positive movement came as an effort to correct anxious/depressive thinking styles which have a habit of overestimating the likelihood of disappointing, even catastrophic outcomes, adding panic and poor decisions into the mix. This is different.

Trying to help yourself relax, and come back to here and now, rather than the scary manufactured possibilities that will likely never happen is productive and worth the effort. Trying to help yourself not overreact to having uncomfortable feelings (even befriending them with calm curiosity, also good practice). But trying to convince yourself that you’re actually feeling “positive” when you’re distressed is another story.

“Authentic happiness” aims to promote, well, authenticity (how’s that for circularity)! This includes mood.

When you’re feeling it, live it, enjoy it! (while it’s present).

When you’re not, you’re not. Try to relax and observe. Provided you’ve not gotten into the habit of amplifying and entrenching “negative” emotions, they too will pass.

Then see and experience what comes next.

Herein lies the “trick” if indeed there’s any trick at all. A good portion of negative emotion (I would argue the greatest for some) comes from the battle with it.  Less battle, less negative emotion.

Feeling “positive” is more about feeling like oneself than masking negativity.

So next time you’re feeling “negative” remove the burden of the battle, remove the burden of “thinking positive,” try to un-furrow your brow a little, and  just live it, ride it out see if you don’t feel a little “happier” with yourself, no matter what comes next.

Pink elephant!

 

Got baggage? Take it with you!

Whoever said you can’t take it with you was wrong!

Do you have emotional  baggage? Who doesn’t? Some are just a little better at acknowledging theirs.

AND people are working on their issues. Some prefer “the couch,” others engage their thinking strategies, and for others a good Saturday afternoon is spent browsing for new strategies in the self-help section at the local book store. Great!

All the different methods have their merits. Engage them.

What we pay attention to matters. It matters a lot. The more we attend to something, the more it matters.

The risk is spending too much time on our distress, managing symptoms, getting it just right before we leave the station.

By all means, pay some attention to what distresses you. Emotions are important signals. There for a reason. Notice, be curious, be open to them. Engage your strategies, supports, coaches, books and bring them along.

Consider this shift: pay the most attention to what’s most important to you in life.

1. Spend some time thinking about what you really want. If you weren’t feeling held back by your self-esteem, or your anxiety, or your guilt, or your anger, or your perfectionism what would you want more of in your life? If it helps, try “looking back” on what you’d like to be able to say to yourself about how you lived your life (bet it’s not about how well you managed your anxiety).

2. Carve out one area you’d like to focus on. Your health? Your relationship with your wife? Your kids? Your creativity? Your community? Your fitness?

3. Identify a small way you can move toward making it more present in your life.Doesn’t matter how small. I recently tried out the “tiny habits” methodology which I found fun and accessible (http://tinyhabits.com).  It consists of choosing 3 habits you want to do more often and connecting it to well-established habits. The philosophy is that goals are a culmination of a bunch of smaller steps or habits.

4. Engage your strategies and bring them with you. You’ve made plenty of changes before in life. What works for you? Bring or call a friend? Charts? Appetizing apps? Relaxation strategies. All good. Your strategies are there as supports they aren’t the destination. So don’t worry about having them all mastered before leaving.

5. Start! Feel the discomfort but create movement.  You’re working on your emotional fitness (in the service of what you want out of life). To use a physical fitness analogy, we can’t get fit on the couch. We’re entertained and sympathetic when we or our friends are reluctant to go the the gym because of all the fit people who’ll be there and because we’ll feel out of shape. But that’s really the point.

Don’t postpone. Get yourself some nice gear if that’s motivating, a good coach, a good book, a good friend to help with the emotions that will show up along the way. But start.

6. Savour and keep going. Like training, when we get moving and we start to see progress, we feel gains (even small gains) and we feel better, maybe even good. We want more of it.

Shift your focus away from the awkwardness of starting to how good it feels to devote your attention to what’s important to you.

Life is for living.

Emotional baggage happens. Don’t let that be reason you’re not living your life.

Move toward what’s important and feel the satisfaction it brings.

Take regret off your list of emotions to manage later!

Made you smile!

Perhaps you’ve noticed the recent trend toward “express” mindfulness?

I’m reminded of the caricature that was George Costanza’s father (for those of you who grew up on Seinfeld) with with hands raised and outstretched yelling “serenity now!” trying desperately to conjure up a zen state.

While we can all agree on the flaws of his particular methods (and, well, his flaws in general), there’s a newer, simpler, effective version that’s been shown to effectively improve your emotional well-being, whatever you may be doing.

I call it “the Mona Lisa” but technically it’s called a “half smile.”

The practice is based on the principle that your body is communicating to your mind (just as it is communicating constantly to other people). If you’re breathing quickly, tense, racing around, speaking in short bursts, there’s probably something stressful going on. If you’re breathing slowly and evenly, speaking calmly, and your muscles are relaxed, things are probably under control. If you have a light smile…

It’s a practice that builds mindfulness of the communication channel between your bodily state and your mental state.

It’s one small practice that’s easy to embed right into your day, any part of it really, to enhance that feeling of zen…and maybe even a little happiness.

Here’s how it works. Decide that once or twice a day, no matter what you are doing you will adopt “the half smile” (or “do the Mona Lisa” if the idea makes you smile all by itself) for 3-5 minutes. This entails slightly up-turned lips, relaxed eyes and face while you carry out your task. (You’re probably doing it right now right?!) Feels nice doesn’t it?

The message you communicate to your mind: this task is “ok” and maybe even “a little pleasant.” If you feel the furrowed brow and the clenched teeth creeping back in, just notice and put your half-smile back on. Notice the difference in how your body feels and your mind feels about what you’re doing when you set a pleasant bodily tone.

I’ve found this to be an impressively simple practice that can make a noticeable difference across a lot of different activities (try it while you exercise, while you prepare dinner, while you read emails, while you fill out paperwork). The task is the same, the feeling is quite different. In a good way.

So give it a try.

Find out that your task is ok, it’s just fine, when you do it with even just a “half-smile.”

Worst case is that people wonder what you’re up to.

Keeping on smiling and keep them wondering!

 

Ready to spring?

I think it’s fair to say that we’re all feeling pretty over-ready for spring. There’s something about the emergence of new that is so compelling, especially after what feels like a long period of dormancy.

I recently came across a powerful metaphor on personal transformation. It’s a metaphor but also a cue on how it’s done, naturally. What’s most interesting is that it includes some of the struggle that we’re too familiar with but without the angst, that we could live without.

It’s the cocoon.

I bring it because of a phenomenon that I notice in my work with clients and in my own personal experience with the emotions that arise when we’re ready to be in our next season but we’re not quite there yet.  It’s a feeling of constraint that ranges from discomfort (feeling antsy) to all out war to be free. But if we can settle down, settle in a minute we notice that we’re actually constricting ourselves further when we push too hard and the constraint is actually tolerable if we fight it less.

Emotions are! They show up. They well up. They peak. They subside. And in the natural flow we carry on!

But not always. In fact more often, at their appearance we begin to judge them, deny them, enlarge them, attach things to them and try to will or push them away.  But as in a web we get caught up in them further, and they stay.

Just like the cocoon we can feel bound. We feel ready to move on to whatever is “next” but we feel stuck.

But what we’re less aware of is that we sometimes need to be a little stuck, to push up against the walls a little, even sometimes idle with interest and curiosity (and when we can pull it off, without judgement) so that we’re ready to emerge, stronger, wiser, and prepared for flight.

Interestingly, attempts have been made to “free” larva from their cocoons artificially and the discovery was that the wings weren’t strong enough, never developed as fully as if they were left to slowly push and build strength on their own.

Admittedly, I’ve never had occasion to watch the whole natural process but I’m willing to bet that it’s not a perfectly clean flight. I suspect when flight occurs there are still pieces of cocoon attached. I’ve certainly witnessed this in people and can confirm that it’s yet to cause any fatalities, just leaves a little humanity showing. And isn’t our humanity meant to show…a little?

So as you think about your plans for personal transformation this spring savour this time, basque in the anticipation, steep in the emotions, with interest, release the angst, knowing it’s all part of the process. Soon enough, naturally, the constraint we no longer need will fall away.

Emotions are.

Let them be.

Show them interest.

Push against them, a little.

Let them leave in their time.

Know that they will.

Nature knows no angst, only natural ebb and flow.

Happy spring…almost.

And as always  – let me know what you think! and certainly how you feel!