March to the beat of your own summer

No matter how deep runs our commitment to live fully present to each day, we cannot help but anticipate the pleasures of summer.

And often what we live for is our deeply-felt notions of summer, rather than any real, or objective (if such a thing existed) definition of it.

But if we’re not careful, or even more so mindful, we can miss it all together! And not just by the passage of time, but by thoughtless omission of the very things that define it for us, simple as they can be.

But just how do we capture our notions of summer, or rather, how do we allow them to captivate us?

This is where the process can be as fun as the outcome. Put away the spreadsheets and slide rules, this is an exercise of the heart. And what part of us that has a longer memory than the heart? (if you said hippocampus you’ve already been distracted by your brain – come back!)

Here are a few ways to reconnect with your essence of summer:

Jot down a few favourite summer memories. Take away any restrictive rules. Could be last year, could be 10 years ago, could be a long time ago. Where were you? what were you doing? who were you with? soaking up the smell after summer rain fall,  walking bare feet in the grass, heading off for crazy cousin time, enjoying patio coffee with your love, lying on your back watching clouds,  the annual family fishing trip,  road trip snacks in the back of your parents’ station wagon, swimming with friends until your fingers are pruney , a tall stack of summer books with the rest of the summer to consume them?

Another angle? Rhyme off your associations of summer? Let your imagination run free! Colours, emotions, sensations, and sounds of summer. Light, slow, blue skies, warmth, red sunsets, humid air, fresh, lazy, new love, close, old friends, noisy storms, carefree, easy?

How about your summer aspirations? The kind of summer that you dream about? The summer dream that has always seemed just a little out of reach but holds some clues to your summer wishes. Long, lingering  beach vacation, exploring distant countries, relinquishing all responsibilities, extended family gatherings, being on a desert island? What do you yearn for?

The point is that it be yours.

And that it could be yours this summer, that there’s still time!

And especially that it doesn’t matter how it lines up with anyone else’s expectations.

Sure there’s conferring, and compromising and planning and budgeting to make vacations come together. But there’s also summer in it’s simplest form. In the form that means the most to you. That probably isn’t too far or inaccessible. That could give you that satisfying feeling that you’ve waited all year for free of worries about what it’s supposed to be.

Everyone deserves a little piece of summer, served up their own way, in a way that only they can know how to fully enjoy.

Grab a slice while you can!

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.” ~ John Lubbock

Above all else, be kind

 

“We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness” ~ Charlie Chaplin

When did we stop valuing virtues such as kindness and instead start to praise power and control?

Many would argue the timing coincides with the beginning of private ownership. With ownership comes a sense of power. And with power, a fear of losing it.

We also lost our balance when stopped seeing people as people in their own right, with inherent value but instead as means to an end.

This of course requires clever strategies and rationalizations for the inequities and power structures once built. We like things to all fit together. We like to attribute causality. Feels neat and logical and predictable, reassuring,  maybe even controllable?

Ever tried to rationalize your good fortune? Your clever brain can come up with all kinds of great rationalizations. Your heart knows something’s missing.

We can be equally clever rationalizing another’s misfortune. There too we know, if we choose, that our rationalizations fall short.

Kindness is a virtue because it’s hard. Criticisms, judgements, power and control moves come easy.

We struggle to believe in the power of kindness. Power to unlock, to enable.

“What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness? “~Jean Jacques Rousseau

Thankfully we all have our favourite leaders, spiritual, business and political leaders who have demonstrated that power. Clever people who lead through kindness and generosity, right-minded, right-hearted leaders who influenced through intelligence but also kindness, respect and generosity to spectacular ends. They were focused on these ends.

Isn’t that the lever we have to transform. Taking a moment to keep the end in mind. What do we want from the exchange? for the person? for ourselves? is it judgement or kindness that will get us there?

What does the heart say? In the heat of the moment, judgement may satisfy an urge, in the long-term we know what feels right, maybe even righteous?

Sometimes it’s easy, when the gap is wide, when we’re feeling confident, when we’re feeling on top. But the opportunities to be kind surround us, often under more challenging circumstances. That’s much harder, but always worth it.

A few inspirational quotes for the more challenging times:

“Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good together that overwhelm the world” ~Desmond Tutu

“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” ~ Lao Tzu

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” ~ Dalai Lama

Take a vacation…from yourself?

While suggesting that you take a break from yourself may sound like just the opposite of self-love, this post was inspired by folks who accidentally did just that and experienced some very unexpected benefits.

Simply put,“all you need to do is” put some part of your self on hold, to experience yourself in a new way.

If you’d like a little reassurance before you hit the road, know that your usual self is never far.  When you come back from the vacation you can put everything back the way it was!

Here are just a few psychation ideas:

“The worry shmorry” vacation: this one consists of simply leaving your usual worries behind. This is one of those unexpected discoveries during vacation. Some people would recognize themselves as the worrying type and when they leave home they expect to worry someplace else or may even add new worries from a new place. Instead, some have the unexpected surprise of actually feeling better than usual, feeling calmer than usual, having left their worries behind. The change of scenery can create just enough healthy distance or disruption to the worry cues.

The important benefit: you get a taste of what you’re usually missing. The eye-opening experience comes from experiencing a life not consumed by worry. Your personal benefit? feeling more present and connected with people, noticing interests, feeling your drive and ambitions, or maybe relaxation and pleasure. A secondary benefit: when you taste the life you want, you can come back more motivated than ever to address your worrying and get onto living more fully.

“The Dr. Seus”: this one’s an invitation to be fully you, truer than true because there’s only one of you! While we may associate peer pressure with adolescence, truth is social pressures are felt throughout life. Unfortunately we can spend too much time consciously or unconsciously editing, censoring, diluting ourselves to make them more palatable, less noticeable, more pleasing, to bosses, clients, relatives even strangers! So how about a vacation from that! How about a vacation where you let yourself go (including really letting yourself go if that is your fancy), let yourself try things, wear things, say things, react to things the way you’d like to if you didn’t have your usual self holding you back.

If you need a little inspiration pick a story book character, a film star, or maybe even someone you know who looks, lives, or behaves in a way you admire and put on your best acting skills! Feel what it feels like! And then watch what happens. Huh – maybe it feels great…and no nobody dies! You’ll just have to see.

The “A! type” “Be type”: IF A types and B types were opposites (they’re really not but just for arguments’ sake) pick your opposite and vacation like one! So we know broad strokes the two types: the A’s book well ahead, have several books and sites, cross-referenced and scheduled for maximal learning and pleasure and efficiency (exaggerating for effect). The B’s loosely have a destination and a return date…the rest to be discovered. We all have our preferences. But what if, just for openness to discovery’s sake we tried on the opposite style?

Maybe the A’s would experience what happens in the quieter moments, the spaces in between, what can show up when we’re not expecting or planning it. Maybe the Be’s would enjoy just how much learning and pleasure can be packed into a day, the fun of the first choice of seats, departure times, activities, the thrills!

True you may go back to your usual style but you may “get” the other a little more and find there’s a magic combination that brings you the best of both worlds.

One more secret : you don’t have to go very far to take any of these vacations. And who knows maybe this is one of those vacations you never come back from!

Bon voyage!

Don’t worry. Be.

“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.” ~ George F. Burns

If there’s a habit that robs of us our capacity to be present and joyful and enjoy a rich rewarding life today, surely it is worry.

We read too many studies that handily (and frightfully) calculate how many years we remove from our lives through our habits: smoking, drinking, overeating, overworking and under sleeping.

But what if we took one giant step back and took the focus off the habit and considered what god these habits serve?

We would often answer: worry. A low-grade, nagging, grumbling sense of unease. A mental habit kicked off by fear.

But fear of what exactly? Ah well, only you can answer that!

But this is where the potential lies. Chase that down and you’ve got something useful.

Fear habits, obsessions, compulsions, worries are “meant to” serve us. Signal danger. Stimulate a response. Remove the danger! But when they remain in a diffuse state such as worry they can’t do an adequate job in fact they undermine us.

Worry can only serve if it leads us to a real issue (a concern) to be addressed. If you find the issue, address that. Seek clarification, input, information, allies, resources, prepare, and rehearse. Allay your real concern. Then put it to rest and recover your energy for today. Let yourself be.

But more frequently worry is circular, an emotional hamster on a wheel, that continues to sap our energy and our capacity to perform or to be present for fear of what’s coming tomorrow.

Here’s a two-step solution to try on:

Step one: identify it!  What is it for you? What if I make a grave mistake?  I may not be liked or accepted? I may fall on my face in front of others. She may leave me!  I may not be able to handle it! What if I’m incompetent? Insert your worry here. If you can identify a tangible, sensible concern deal with that. If not, move to step 2.

Step 2 is customizable.

For the rational strategist: Challenge it to an intellectual duel. Poke holes in the logic. How likely is that? What’s the evidence for? against? How is it more likely to turn out? To what extent is it pure fear talking vs a rational appraisal of the situation. Frequently it’s an easy win. Pure fear mounts a poor case. A few pokes and you can see it for what it is. After which will usually arrive at the “right right, you’re right” phase of the duel. You can see the flawed logic, know it is pure fear and move on.

If you’re still sitting with a discomfort keep going and try the other approach.

For the passionate warrior:  Stand up to your Goliath. Challenge it to a staring contest. Fix your gaze and let it make itself as big as it wants to. Ok go.”You’ll make a terrible mistake! You will be mocked and shunned! Go on, keep going (keeping your eyes fixed). You’ll be chastised, cast out, abandoned! Yes. Anything else? (eyes still firmly engaged) Yes you’ll be broke, homeless, left lying in a ditch, shamed and alone. Is that all? Um, yep, that’s pretty much all I’ve got. Ok, well if you’re done then I’m going to get back to what I was doing.  Empty your fear arsenal, watch it unpack, right down the the deep dark dregs. Look right at it with curiosity and bravado. And watch it sit down.

This is where our power lies.  Instead we respond to our day to day fears like life and death threats and we pay the price. “If you treat every situation as a life and death matter, you’ll die a lot of times.” ~Dean Smith

But when we examine our worries,  we can see them for what they are. Logically we can examine and test them  and they break down. Emotionally when we can face them, and they lose power. We can choose not to run, pursue or enlarge but only observe.

Yes, worrying is human. But for a small investment we can hear them, see them, and let them go. Get back to being.

“That the birds of worry and care fly over your head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent.” ~ Chinese Proverb

Have you been paying attention?

 

“Tell me to what you pay attention and I will tell you who you are” ~Jose Ortega y Gasset

We understand it. Intuitively and even more powerfully through experience, the profound truth of it.

The whole range of human experience is available to us at all times. What we attend to shapes us and ultimately defines us.

But what determines what we attend to? Who or what’s driving this process?

George Bernard Shaw once said “People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances.”

There’s comfort in the notion of circumstances. Maybe even freedom. Freedom to be a passenger.

But there’s also driving. Forking left instead of right. Speeding up and slowing down…on purpose. Being responsible for those choices. Communicating what’s important to us by those choices.

What you pay attention to defines who you are, what you see and what you experience. Pay attention to beauty and you’ll see it. Pay attention to relationships and they flourish.  Pay attention to the present moment and it expands.

“The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it. (21)”~ Thích Nhất Hạnh

There are few more powerful means of communicating that someone or something is valuable to you than the attention you pay.

No matter how careful we are with it, our attention is a limited, in any given moment, in any given day, in any given person’s life. We can allow circumstances and distractions to take it from us.

What we need to imagine and better still harness the power we have to shape ours and others’ life by choosing who and what we attend to.

“Whenever she turned her steep focus to me, I felt the warmth that flowers must feel when they bloom through the snow, under the first concentrated rays of the sun.”  ~Janet Fitch, White Oleander

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What the world needs now?

Real relationships.

A live voice. Eyes you can look into. A shoulder to lean on. An embrace you can fall into. A warm reassuring presence.

It’s what we need now. It’s what we always needed.

It’s wired into us. It starts as our lifeline at birth. It continues throughout our lives as a deep human need and it sits at the very root of our emotional wellbeing.

Think about the last time you felt distress, under attack, loss, despaired. What did you long for? What made it feel better? Why do we cry at the sound of a caring voice? at the sight of good friend, a knowing look?

When does your heart light up? Seeing someone we care about, the lilt in their voice, their laugh, the sparkle in their eyes, their hand on your arm.  Do you remember what their hugs feel like (a good but short squeeze, a long dancing hug, a strong hug punctuated with a couple of pats at the end? little arms that mostly hug your neck?)

Warm connection is a need. Feed this very natural need and you have security, buoyancy,  joyful, curious exploration, attunement, empathy kindness and perpetuation – love breeding love.

Neglect it and you breed insecurity, self-protection, sadness, disconnection, aggression, attacking, and counterattacking.  Fear and loss. Anxiety and depression.

We are neglecting these human needs and it shows.

We’re building for efficiency of transportation but not connection. We know what size communities breed community but we’re not designing them that way. People are surrounded by houses and people but feel isolated.

We’re building online communities. They have value. They connect people and ideas but they do not replace real,  emotional presence and support when that is what we need. People have hundreds if not thousands of connections but feel disconnected.

We’re pressure-loading our romantic relationships. We’re doing the same to our working parents. No one or two people can be everything to everyone in each other’s or their children’s lives. It takes a village but we’ve disbanded the tribe.

Fundamental to coping and thriving are secure, loving, supporting relationships.

We know what makes people feel surrounded, loved and supported.We just need to do more of it!

It’s a check-in, it’s a phone call, it’s waving, it’s a note, it’s stopping for a few minutes more, it’s a visit instead of a call when a visit’s what’s needed. It’s showing up when you said you would. Sometimes it’s showing up unexpectedly or when you’re in a hurry or tired or a bit uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter that we know the right words it matters that we’re there.

It’s presence.

In this time of need is technology out of bounds?  No, not if it’s about strengthening, layering or enriching presence and personal connection, rather than replacing it with ease and convenience. When we think about times we felt better we can all think of a well-timed text, an expressive message, a virtual embrace or bouquet of flowers just when we needed it – and technology can do help us to achieve this timely connection.

But nothing replaces real. We are wired to read facial expressions and tone of voice, to feel comforted by touch (to connect with handwriting).

This is where we can lean hard on our capacity to be creative in relationship. So our tribes don’t look like what they used to.  Nothing says the connection and support must come from a biological relative it need only be human and authentic.

There are lots of us around we need only rethink our role – to our friends, our colleagues, our neighbours, our online connections and make that connection more personal, more human.

Our only limit is our own imagination and our commitment to restore the connection.

Love and care with abandon!

Sweat that small stuff!

Counter to popular advice, one important thing you can do to feel good (and keep feeling good) is to sweat some of your small stuff. You know those niggling things that you know you need to do but just never seem to quite get around to?

Evidence abounds that we continue to avoid small but important actions that will serve us in the long run because of the discomfort they may cause us in the short-run.

We see this across all spheres, students avoiding their studies, couples avoiding conversations, professionals avoiding obstacles to delivering on commitments and people of all ages avoiding health tests that have been advised or prescribed.

We avoid putting ourselves through relatively small steps now that en up putting us through far bigger, more threatening situations in the future.

So why do we do it?

First is efficiency. It’s far easier, especially in terms of cognitive but also physical energy to maintain our current state. What we’re already doing we know, our bodies know, our minds know, even if the picture’s not pretty status quo is more efficient, at least for now.

Second is fear. Fear of the discomfort the practical steps, tests, tasks, and solutions may cause us. Add to this fear of the outcomes we may face – academic results, painful messages, failed performance, scary health news.

But we know from experience that waiting, procrastination, sheer avoidance only makes it worse. A little sweat now on the smaller steps, missteps, hard conversations goes a long way to averting the bigger scarier ones.

While this classic avoidance is normal human behaviour, what’s a human to do about it?

Sweat it! Decide that you’re willing to accept a little discomfort to head off the bigger discomfort later that avoidance affords. We often (grossly) overestimate the unpleasantness of the task and underestimate the benefits over the long run. We usually have all the information we need about the discomfort we perceive or anticipate ( and potential gains when we actually sit down and write them out to gain a more accurate picture of what we’re facing. Yes it does help if we simply put ourselves to the task of weighing the pros and cons. Here’s the benefit: when we actively weigh the pros and cons consciously we more than double our chances of taking the action!

 Create a little performance tension. We all need to give ourselves a little structure and less wiggle room (escape hatches) when it comes to anxiety-provoking tasks. The more vague our commitment the less likely it is to happen. Once you’ve decided your going forward, going in, going through with it – give yourself some specific timelines and precise steps to complete. You’re more likely to follow through! People who make commitments with dates, times and specifics more often complete them.

Call a friend! No this is not to maneuver your way out of your uncomfortable task. There’s no secret escape hatch on this one. There’s only doing it. In this case, calling a friend is a reinforcement in your plan. Someone who knows about the commitment you’ve made (so yes, a little added performance tension) but also someone who can catch or support you regardless of the outcome. Maybe all you need to say is, “yes that was uncomfortable!,” or “yay so glad I did it,” or “more to come.” We all handle stressful situations better with support and this is no exception.

Finally, take stock after you’ve honoured your commitment to yourself. Savour that satisfying (righteous) feeling of facing a fear and getting it done anyways! Then repeat.

Remember, a little sweat never hurt anyone but what you don’t face may!

 

 

 

 

 

Sip don’t gulp your poison!

We all have them. Those small little acts or indulgences that we know are corrosive to our happiness (and others’) and yet…we engage in them!

Everyone has them (be honest) and we probably even know the key that unlocks them, the conditions, the rationalizations and justifications for what we just feel like doing.

Sometimes it’s a sideways jab, an extra drink, an extra piece, showing up late, not showing up at all, gossiping, sticking your nose in, judging harshly, throwing a log on somebody’s fire, shutting someone out or up, or maybe the classic grudge?

Our conscience even wags a nagging finger at us – don’t do it! You know better! You’ll feel bad!

That conscience is there to keep social order, to keep us from “behaving bad.” But it goes beyond social order, it strikes us in our own hearts when we process the feelings that follow, empathy, guilt, remorse. We are doubly “punished” by the feelings we create in others, and those we create in ourselves.

We engage in self-recrimination, our self-esteem and our mood takes a hit and…then we repeat!

So if self-punishment isn’t the fix – what is?

Step 1: notice that it’s your hand tipping the glass. Whatever rationalizations you may have put into place (hard day, he started it, I was tired, she had it coming) you at some point decide to indulge in your personal poison.  Knowing it was you puts it back in the realm of choice.

Step 2: Slow down and take notice. There may still be some choice left to put it back down. If you’re not feeling the strength to stop, slow down to tap into what need the indulgence serves. When we gulp something down we often don’t want to think about it, don’t want to feel responsible for it. Usually we don’t want to “feel” something else so we do and feel this instead.  But when we’re sipping, we’re less blindsided by it all, we escape less, feel more (whoops wait a minute we’re trying to feel less, yes but we’re also trying to do it a new way!).

Step 3: Look that feeling in the eye.  So you felt what insecure? outgunned? hurt? disappointed? cornered?

Step 4: Acknowledge. Yep, felt that. That was uncomfortable. Didn’t like that. Ok well then.

Step 5: “Fix it.” (the real it) Anything that needs to be sorted out with that person? Said, understood, rectified? Work on that.

You’ll be surprised how a double of good can feel (maybe even as good as the indulgence). The good of having refrained. The good of dealing with the real thing.

So whenever you find yourself indulging, slow down. Sip don’t gulp.

Keep the real feelings in the equation. They’re your shot at finguring out what this is really about. If indeed your interested in seeing what’s at the bottom.

 

How to become a better person

Sound like a big question? It is! But you can break it down.

As you probably suspected, there is no one recipe for becoming a better person. No two people start from the same place nor would they have the same “better person” destination in mind.

To correct one false misconception before starting is the notion that you’re becoming “another person,” that it’s not already you! Becoming another person would neither be feasible nor desirable (though on your worst days you may wish it so).

You arrived on this planet with a basic personality that is likely going to stick. By far people underestimate the influence of their biological temperament (things like personality style and emotionality) on their default inclinations.

Next are some of the key experiences and the dynamics they set into play during our formative years. Regardless of what school of thought you may subscribe to, no one denies the impact of these early experiences on how we connect with others, think and react to what happens to us later.

From here arise the conclusions or hopefully protestations that “hey doesn’t this mean we’re doomed!”

And this is where a key misunderstanding occurs. Acknowledging influences is not the same as declaring helplessness. Noticing and understanding our inclinations is where power of choice begins.

We learned important lessons in the 70’s from the behaviourists and in the 80’s and 90’s from the cognitive behaviourists who were agnostic when it came to the origins of a behaviour. Whether your disruptive thoughts came from basic personality, family of origin, or other experiences, the resulting behaviour is a behaviour with the potential to be reshaped.

When it comes to becoming more of who we want to be (the better person we have in mind), it must go beyond thoughts, intentions and words! To be compelling to you or the people who matter to you, there must be a behavioural manifestation.

Put simply, the improved you must include improved actions.

So think about what you might mean if ever you’re having thoughts of personal improvement. How specifically would an improved you act or react differently than you already do? Break it down to specific situations you’d like to react to differently. Target small, simple (but not always easy) actions that would be better aligned with the person you want to be more often and start experimenting, start implementing.

Resist the urge to require unrealistic wholesale change. Do the work of thinking about yourself more fully, including all of the qualities, values, skills that you have (that you probably want to hang on to!). Then consider, what parts, specifically, do you need to target and what would that look like?

Then start by noticing opportunities where you could fall into your default action or reaction and see where you can hit pause, see the choice in front of you, and take small opportunities to react differently in your daily life.

Taken together, all of these small, but important new actions and reactions add up to you becoming more and more of the person you aspire to be. Each action, reaction, decision, choice counts toward reinforcing sameness or signalling change.

So to come back to the rather big question of how do you become a “better person?”

One small act of kindness, restraint, love, generosity, courage, forgiveness, of change at a time!

Be not afraid of the naysayer!

We’re all too aware of the “naysayers” around us. Probably most familiar version is “that guy (or gal)” on your team who always seems to find the reasons why something won’t work. People remember them because most everyone has been on the other side of the table, advocating for a cherished solution, product, or decision only to feel undone by the comments of the team critic.

But must it be so? Do these comments need to lead to anyone’s undoing?

Have you ever considered why these comments carry so much weight in their minds and yours?

Simply put, most of the naysayers in your crowd are analysts. The analytic mind, reinforced over many years, automatically engages to look at every angle. Here’s the rub, many of these analytic minds have been reinforced over time to spot the danger – either by virtue of their personality, their experience, and maybe even their role. So, put an idea, decision, purchase, solution in front of it and you guessed it, you’ll find out why it won’t work (or more accurately why it may not work).

Many shrink, sulk, defend or even counterattack in response. But what if we took a step back and considered the “input” (negative as it is often considered to be) as just that “input.” Indeed many analytic minds feel they are making a contribution by pointing out risks. If indeed they are valid risks, isn’t that valuable information to consider? If instead it’s just negativity (an analytic mind gone wrong and it happens) isn’t it just as easily dismissed?

Indeed if you are presenting an idea for consideration by an audience, implicit is an invitation to respond. The more you can stand, receptive and responsive to any and all valid input, the stronger you stand. More importantly, the greater your chance of success when you can drink in any feedback.

The danger lies only in over-weighting critical input or discounting it all together. After all you are presenting your “hypothesis” that your idea will work, they a “hypothesis” that it may not (and why, otherwise it’s just negativity, and that can’t hurt you). If it’s a valid risk, fold it in, test it out, let the facts weigh in. Just as you intend to evaluate the risks that your idea will float.

So don’t fear the naysayers, but rather keep them in the fold, and especially, keep their input in perspective, neither more nor less important than your supporters’.

In the end, they may just arm you with the information you need to shore up the risks and make your idea fly!