Slowing down for happiness

“There is more to life than simply increasing its speed.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

You may have noticed and hopefully felt the growing movement toward “taking things slow.”

Some would argue that it’s not happening fast enough, but pushing it would surely be missing the point!

The Slow Movement started with a small but powerful group (led by Carlo Petrini) who decided to push back against the glorification of “fast.”

They observed that the obsession with “fast” was colliding with and potentially destroying a deeply-held cultural passion: food. The Slow Food movement was born. Leave it to our Italian models to lead the charge in defending the importance of slowing down to enjoy food. But of course it goes well beyond the pleasure of food itself and is represents a resistance to the fast life that values speed over taste, over community, over the environment, over the balance we know to be central to human well-being. This grass roots initiative now has more than a million supporters in more than 150 countries.

The Slow Movement also expanded into other areas to include Slow Cities, Slow Design, Slow Education, Slow Family, and Slow Life (to name only a sample) reflecting people’s concern that “fast” as a culture was not delivering on the promise of a better life and might actually be destroying it.

People in large numbers were questioning whether they were seeing any real value from the speed and efficiency of the harried lives they were living (the proposed installation of a McDonald’s near the Spanish steps merely accelerated their thinking!). Were they really gaining any time back for themselves, were they any more satisfied with what they were accomplishing with their lives, were they able to spend more time with the families they cherished, were they any happier?

The answer for many: a resounding no!

So in growing numbers people are taking back their lives. Starting with taking back time by slowing down.

And how mights slowing down create the potential for happier, more satisfying lives?

Interestingly, the movement isn’t driven by specific outcomes but rather by principles and ways of acting, of producing, or of living our lives and releases control over the outcomes (sounding pretty psychologically healthy already?) Here are a few of those principles:

Slowing down for enjoyment – to taste the tastes, enjoy the sites, hear the words, feel the connection, drink in the whole natural and human landscape.

Slowing down “for nothing.” To allow ourselves restorative time, time for self-care with no strings attached.

Slowing down to reflect on long-term impact before choosing a course of action. Will this support the life I want over the long term? Is it a sustainable path?

Voluntary simplicity: what if I focused my time and attention on fewer things? what if I had fewer things? what would they be? how would that feel?

Balance and synergy across multiple values and goals. Are my actions and choices linked to a number of my values and priorities (efficiency and focus that doesn’t require hurry).

Non-standardization: connected also to balance and letting go of outcomes, when each person, community or business defines its driving values (e.g. individual, social, environmental harmony) the outcomes will look different and this is ok even valuable.

Dematerialization: in its essence what is my enjoyment and satisfaction in life really connected to? what are the true material costs of reconnecting? what would I gain back by releasing myself from the material? At its root the principle recognizes the non-material nature of human wellbeing.

If you’ve been contemplating how to address that feeling of “time poverty” in your life consider:

Slowing down to ask yourself: when do I feel happiest, most satisfied, when is life most rewarding to me (on my terms?)

The 2nd perhaps more challenging step – where can I simplify, what can I let go of to refocus, slow down, and reconnect with the fewer things that really matter?

The 3rd most surprising step – start to you start to let go, slowly but surely and reconnect with the sites, sounds and feelings of your happiness. May be easier than you expected!

One thing’s for sure – if you’re interested in getting started, there’s no time like the present.

“How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon. December is here before it’s June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?” ~ Dr. Seuss

Make every day Thanksgiving

“The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly alive.” ~ Thích Nhất Hạnh

They say that happiness is found in the moment.

Found. Not because happiness is ever lost but because we lose touch with it.

What comfort there is in knowing that it’s always there, waiting for us.

Grateful people are happy people.

This has been been repeatedly shown and no-one is surprised.

“The more I understand the mind and the human experience, the more I begin to suspect there is no such thing as unhappiness; there is only ungratefulness.”~ Steve Maraboli

The practice of gratitude reconnects us with our happiness. We know that it’s truly our own happiness because gratitude is the heart reflection of what matters deeply to us. It is personal. It’s ours.

At its heart, gratitude is human nature’s mindfulness. It causes us to stop and connect for a time with an inner source of happiness (connection, striving, accomplishment, learning positive feelings, meaning).

Some come by a grateful attitude naturally, others need to apply effort. In both cases it works. It draws our attention to what is already in our lives that is deeply satisfying and rewarding. Any time we want to for as long as we want to.

Rituals exist (even if they’ve fallen out of practice) to support a life of gratitude – as simple as a verbal, mental, or written thank you, grateful gestures, and ritualized moments of pause to take stock (“grace” on a small scale, Thanksgiving on an annual, communal level).

“If the only prayer you said was thank you, that would be enough.” ~ Meister Eckhart

The daily gratitude practice is simple but powerful.

First commit to a moment of pause once a day (before bed, on the way to work or school, before eating, as you wake up).

“Find” your feeling of gratitude. What is one thing in your life for which you feel deeply grateful? Drink it in and feel it. Savor it.

Take one moment more to reflect whether there is anyone with whom you would want to share your gratitude and send them a silent message of thank you.

Just allow gratitude to move in next to what already is in your life, cultivate it and watch what grows.

“[Gratitude] turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” ~ Melody Beattie

Tolerance is not a virtue

We’re increasingly living in an urban, diverse world. The possibilities, the opportunities for deeper understanding, for expanded, innovative thinking, richer solutions and acceptance abound.

We’re more and more exposed to (and confronted by) differences.

And now we’re surrounded by tolerance campaigns. Perhaps we should be grateful because it seems we need them. But mostly, this reflects our current state (of intolerance) and should not be confused with our aspiration.

Tolerance is the compliance equivalent on the value hierarchy and that simply sets the bar too low. At best it amounts to according the same basic rights to others that we’ve claimed for ourselves. At worse, it sends the wrong message that differences are to be tolerated rather than desired and valued.

True we need to minimally tolerate something or someone to get close enough to see, understand, and potentially value. But if we restrict ourselves to tolerance we miss the point and the opportunity which is to open ourselves to what’s new and different. If we’re aiming for communities of people who are healthy, happy, contributing, even thriving, tolerance isn’t going to get us there.

Imagine a relationship in which you felt “tolerated” for your differences.

Now imagine one in which you were met with interest, openness, even valuing.

Diversity can strike the cord of insecurity, stimulate fear, and generate bad behaviour. Tolerance is meant to curb that. Sometimes it manages to keep it “under control” but does little to invite and inspire people to approach and open themselves.

In a bid to improve we can set ourselves what we feel may be an accessible standard (tolerance) rather than an inspiring ambition (acceptance even love!).

So how could we start chasing the dream of accepting even loving differences?

In reality, we’ve been surrounded by differences (sex differences, value differences, personality differences, capacity differences) and opportunities to “practice”our whole lives, all the time.

Maybe could we “practice” on people we already know, maybe already love, take the fear level down and find our curiosity closer to home with our partners, our children, our families, our neighbours and colleagues.

The challenge is “simple” (but not easy):

Consider an important person with whom you experience a fundamental difference. Make it “easier” if you like by choosing someone you already love and respect (probably for some “other” qualities) but who nonetheless is different in an important way that provokes a reaction in you.

Let go of convincing yourself or them of the legitimacy of “your way.”

By-pass “tolerating” their way while firmly maintaining yours.

Instead really search for and find the value (any value) in who they are, how they act, what they believe, the choices they make or how they relate to you.

How do you feel about them now?

If you’ve gotten this far imagine it “human scale.”

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Procrastination hack!

“Procrastination is my sin. It brings me naught but sorrow. I know that I should stop it. In fact, I will–tomorrow” ~ Gloria Pitzer

If procrastination is a sin we’re surely all a little “guilty” of it.

Worse still we’re the ones who suffer most from it.

It’s mostly a question of degree. Estimates range between 20 and 70% of people report that procrastination gets in the way of getting what’s important done.

By definition, if you’re “a procrastinator” that’s what’s happening. You’re attending to less important things before the more important ones.

This is where hacking procrastination can also be a “happiness hack.” Because attending to what we know makes us happy (arguably up there in importance) frequently falls far behind less important distractions.

People often “know” what they need to do to be well but struggle to give themselves their right conditions.

On some level people who struggle and procrastinate know it. And this is where “guilt” comes in. I know what I’m supposed  to be doing and I’m not doing it!

WHY? why would I do that? what’s wrong with me?!

Truth is, there isn’t ONE reason, there are plenty of different reasons, indecisiveness, ambivalence, fear of failure, exaggerated optimism (about time, about the task) and the list goes on.

But mostly – the reason doesn’t really matter!

And this is the basis of the procrastination hack. People spend more valuable time analyzing and mostly judging and undermining themselves with their analysis than taking productive action to get back on track. (They don’t call it analysis paralysis for nothing!)

If you wrestle with procrastination and find yourself psychoanalyzing yourself STOP! Most of it is confidence busting, guilt inducing, and simply unhelpful.

If you want to make productive gains allow yourself only one analytical question. Am I certain I still intend to do this? (engage a healthy practice, ignite a change, place a call, solve an outstanding issue that drains your happiness)

Sometimes the real answer is that you have no intentions of doing it and you should take it off your list and inform anyone who absolutely needs to know. Put it to rest.

BUT, if you truly are committed to doing it, you’re singular focus should be ACTION.

Specifically, place your focus on the very next small step you can take that will give you a sense of progress to break through the procrastination inertia. Don’t require completion, only movement.

Progress not only brings you tangibly closer to accomplishing your goal, it changes the momentum, you start to feel satisfaction that comes with progress, along with new energy and confidence to tackle the next step.  And essentially increase your chances of really getting there!

And while you’re still feeling good about your victory over procrastination, try to identify the next step to keep your momentum.

If you really want to get crazy with it, stare down another one of the tasks you’ve been procrastinating about and see if there’s isn’t a small step you could take to unlock another one!

The procrastination”battle” is really all about overcoming the obstacle of inertia (and all the negative emotions that go with that) so anything you do to productively move is a win.

Once you’re moving, putting the steps in place (or back in place) that make you feel good – then the positive snowball takes hold and you’re well on your way.

Here’s a recap of the steps:

Step 1. Stop psychoanalyzing (and avoiding dealing with it!). If you’re analyzing your childhood or your psyche to identify the deep-rooted source of your procrastination – STOP and go to step 2!

Step 2. Do one last check to make sure you really intend to complete the task. If you’re honest and you never plan to do it – take if off your list. Otherwise proceed to step 3.

Step 3. Write down your target or goal. Identify the very next small step you could take to move you toward your goal. Make it small and achievable with minimal effort. All you want is progress.

Step 4: Feel good. Enjoy the sense of satisfaction of having broken the hold procrastination had on you and focusing on what’s important to you.

Step 5: Build up the positive momentum by identifying the next small action.

Step 6: Repeat until you feel the forward momentum is in place and the benefits take over sustaining the effort.

Step 7 (optional): Revise your identity or diagnosis. If you’re taking action on your important tasks…you probably no long meet the criteria to be called a procrastinator! You’re someone who takes action!

 “Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him.” ~ Charles Dickens

Get comfortable with uncomfortable

 

The path to personal improvement is to say the least bumpy.

We arm ourselves with great intentions and a plan.  We set out to communicate more, react less, take risks, be more planful, less indulgent, more confident, less judgmental, more patient, proactive, present, more the person we want to be.

Frequently we work on giving ourselves all the “conditions for success.” We evaluate our readiness and commitment (check!), we read up on all the best techniques (check!), cleared space on our calendar, recruited moral and expert support (check! check! and check!)

And these are important things to do. But we know where it’s going to really happen is in the “doing.”

“For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we ultimately learn by doing them” ~ Aristotle

So we do…or almost. After a couple more false starts we start in earnest. Sometimes hoping for the best, sometimes fearing the worst. Wondering how we may received by the willing or unwilling partners in our trials.

Finally we make a move. Maybe we hope to feel victorious and exhilirated, usually we feel uneasy (maybe even a little sweaty). We stumble a little or a lot, maybe even fall.

Woah – that was uncomfortable!

Common reaction? Retreat! Review the list, was I ready enough? prepared enough? is now really the best time for this?

This is where the pivotal moment lives. Ok so retreat briefly and regroup! But while you’re at it, strengthen your resolve, your commitment and maybe even your insistence on being uncomfortable. Expansion and improvement live around the edges, outside where we feel comfortable and competent. If we can’t accept discomfort, we don’t get to the other side.

This is the challenge of the adult learner. And ultimately that’s all it is. Learning. We love to be good at things before we’ve made the attempts and learned the skills. It doesn’t work that way.

“Have patience. All things are difficult before they become easy” ~Saadi

When we can reframe the experience as the discomfort of expanding our skills (and by the way we’re just as impatient about learning a new sport or professional skill) we may just find ourselves a little tolerance, maybe even endurance to become more fully who we wish to be.

So, yes you may need to expand your skills on your personal path to improvement but this will come a lot easier if you can first grow a little more tolerance for being uncomfortable for a little while.

Consider these tips along the way:

Reframe it! Those awkward, uneasy feelings – just the discomfort of learning something new. Keep going!

Set a low bar. No really. You’re not trying to get it perfect right out of the gate. You’re aiming for improvement. Every time you try, no matter how it goes, ask yourself what you learned and try again! You can’t fail if the objective was to learn something and it may keep you from giving up.

Recruit supporters or acquire them along the way. One of the obstacles to learning is feeling observed or judged by others who can see “something’s” going on with you. Why not let them in on your plan. Maybe they can offer support or feedback. If you tried out a new skill on someone and it didn’t quite go as you’d hoped. Maybe you can debrief with them and let them in on what you’re trying to improve. You may just gain their respect and support for your commitment to improve.

Be duly proud of yourself! Know that often people give up on themselves when the heat turns up and be self-congratulatory for honouring your commitment. It’s not easy and you’re still doing it.

Be patient! Any real improvement takes time. Often we’re trying to change behaviours that we’ve built over a life time, so it’s going to take time for new skills to feel solid, even easy.  Keep your sense of humour about it. “The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching not smashing the egg” ~ Arnhold H. Glasgow

Encourage fellow learners. Be forgiving and supportive when you see others on their path. You know what it feels like. Live through others’ awkward attempts to do it better and encourage them for their efforts. We all stand to benefit.

Stay focused on your goal. You set out to make the changes with very important reasons (go back to your preparation notes!) to help you persist through the awkward uncomfortable feelings to get where you set out to go in the first place. These feelings were an inevitable part of your path.

So try taking a new view of discomfort as a tolerable, certainly necessary, sometimes humorous, and maybe even interesting part of your path to personal discovery and go get ’em!

“When a poet digs himself into a hole, he doesn’t climb out. He digs deeper, enjoys the scenery and comes out the other side enlightened.” ~ Criss Jami

Free yourself from dramatic distraction!

 

“Drama is life with the dull parts left out” ~ Alfred Hitchcock

We all have a little drama in our lives. We maybe even want a little drama in our lives to make us feel like we’re fully living it!

But what we need to consider drama the willful exclamation point that we apply to our lives.

 

Applied artfully and sparingly a little drama can help amplify the issue for ourselves and for others.  An attempt to give greater voice, intensity, tone or clarity to an important issue worthy of attention that has failed to garner it.

And let’s just face it sometimes it’s downright exhilarating even cathartic!

But overused, drama can mislead, confuse, and actually thwart productive efforts to resolve important matters.

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in dramatic expression that we lose sight, we get distracted from the essence of what we wanted to draw attention to.

To be a little more controversial, sometimes we get attached to the sensations, to the drama itself and in the process give up the opportunity to ever reach resolution, to have the need expressed and met. We get caught dancing in the smoke, forgetting about the fire that burns below.

And why is a very good question to ask ourselves.

What would we lose to distill the issue down to its simplest expression. What if we freed ourselves from the distraction that drama a brings and realized: “That hurt me.” “That was scary.” “I felt unimportant.”  “I was hoping for something else, more, different and I’m disappointed.”

What if dared to express the heart of the matter?

Imagine how things would change if we focused on putting our finger on the real matter and expressing it!

A little scary right?

But also powerful! Imagine the potential for deep and gratifying relationships, fresh starts on our life’s ambitions, on our capacity to be and to give, if we could only express what’s real, we could disperse the smoke and reveal.

So how?

Realize that drama is a choice. Things happen and we feel. But we can choose how we express.

 “Difficulty is inevitable. Drama is a choice.” ~ Anita Renfroe

Find another dramatic outlet. If dramatic expression is a creative outlet for you – maybe you could channel that elsewhere. Don’t thwart creativity but don’t let it get in the way of having your real needs met either by distracting yourself and others.

Practice putting your finger on it. When you feel the urge to launch into a diatribe stop, think, write, recruit help as needed to distill it to the essence. What’s this really about? You were hurt? What was hurtful? What do you really need to express? Find the simple but not easy message underneath the drama.

Summon up the courage to express the real message. When you express the real simple message it’s scary. We leave ourselves open and vulnerable but when we courageously express the core it’s hard for us or for others to argue, object, deny that simple message.

And if you put it all together? You remove all the noisy distraction to uncover the heart of the matter and you run the risk of being heard.

Sounds pretty tantalizing! Maybe even as much as your most recent dramatic performance.

“We do on stage things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else.” ~ Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead

Not giving a damn – the happiness accelerant!

 

“What is freedom of expression? Without the freedom to offend it ceases to exist.” ~Salman Rushdie.

No doubt about it, the path toward deeper happiness is neither fast nor simple.

There are no real shortcuts to doing the work, the deeply personal work, the practices that connect us with our “true” selves and others and the process of living in a connected, meaningful, authentic way.

Understanding our wants and needs and deeper motivations, we could probably all agree, is a tall enough order in and of itself.

But there are insidious forces at play making the work harder still!

The process is akin to being invited to a tantalizing happiness brainstorming session. You arrive, feeling this is going to be great, creative juices flowing, ready to take your seat before the metaphorical white board. But wait, just as you’ve barely getting warmed up, the comments, filters, criticisms start: how will that work? that’ll never fly! who’ll approve of that?! where will the budget come from? it’s been tried before!

In the personal happiness realm we need the same white board to explore and reconnect with internal drives and motivations, burgeoning insights about what we want and what may lead to great personal satisfaction but we make short works of them with the same barrage of filters and downright downers.

And so we stick with what is.

But maybe you can engage these insidious forces in a bit of creative play! Yes, defences can be strong but usually strongest in head to head combat. Engage them directly and they seem to gain strength like The Borg. Play is often the secret weapon that causes them to weaken if not fall…at least long enough to catch a glimpse of what we need to see.

Want to get a little closer to your deeper wishes? Playfully exaggerate them!

Imagine scenarios, important situations in your life where your needs and wishes live, but imagine that suddenly you don’t give a damn! Instead of all the worrying and filtering and protecting yourself and others say what you want! feel how you want! do and react the way you want to in a pure, unfiltered way! (remember you’re still imagining don’t head over to your boss, parent or partner just yet).

Really let yourself go! What if for a short time you didn’t need to worry about who would agree, approve, be distressed, angry, or threatened. Today, you don’t care, you and everyone else are temporarily immune to what you want and need to say (interested but immune). Unleash your arsenal. Have a real emotional express-fest!

Ok so that probably felt good!(and no one was truly harmed in the process)

What did you discover?

Distilled down to its essence you’ve probably opened yourself a window to some needs, wishes, motivations that are being downplayed? denied? over-ridden? Helpful. You need to connect with these.

Now you want to pick them up and put them back on your happiness white board for consideration.

How could these needs and motivations be invited, allowed, invigorated, enlarged, included on your path to happiness? Knowing what they are isn’t the whole solution but it sure does provide a boost of clarity and motivation to help you get at it and get going.

If you’re up for it, engage your creativity in a bit of righteous indignation – and see what you learn!

Then maybe you do go back to giving a damn – but maybe a little less?

Manage your fears or manage your losses

 

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” ~ Anaïs Nin

Fear makes our lives smaller.

More, fears can make our lives smaller if we allow them to. We gain or we lose ground depending on how we manage them. There’s very little neutrality about it.

We’re made to be attracted but also repelled by what we need to grow more fully into who we truly are or could be.

Sometimes we have huge fields, sometimes tiny dark corners that interest even compel us but that we leave unexplored because of our fears.

We sense the electric fence around the terrain (big or small) and we step back! It’s a natural instinct. When we approach something that scares us our hearts beat, our palms sweat, we feel a bit weak in the knees. Our bodies have accurately picked up fear and put us at the ready.

But here’s the rub, the electricity is internal. There is no real electric fence. It’s our fear speaking to us. Signalling “danger” but more accurately “fear” (the difference is important) and imploring us to back up, even run away.

We prefer feelings of safety and mastery, but those are not the feelings that are going to get us where we need to go next. They may actually get in the way of pushing our limits and becoming more.

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” ~William G.T. Shedd

Here’s are a few ways it can go:

Scenario 1: We approach the terrain, we feel the sensations and  we stand our ground : status quo! Interesting (scary) territory stays right where it is as do we, observing and considering the possibilities. That’s as neutral as it can get in this realm. Hang onto this image because sometimes this is our best option! If you’re not ready to approach – don’t run!

Scenario 2 : may seem wholly unfair but here it is. You approach the interesting terrain, you feel the feelings and you take a giant step back (or two or three).  The wall moves toward you! Yes, that’s right. The scary side tends to expand, and our ground gets smaller. It gains psychological power in proportion to what we give it. If we fear having the unpleasant sensations (that come with the territory by the way) and we start to manage our selves and our actions to avoid having them we start to make our own lives smaller to avoid discomfort. Woops – the opposite of what we were going for!

“Bran thought about it. ‘Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?’ ‘That is the only time a man can be brave,’ his father told him.” ~ George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

Scenario 3: we approach the territory, we feel the feelings and we move slowly toward it! As we cross the threshold the feelings increase slightly (can you feel it?) and then wait, they start to subside?! You gain ground AND you start to break the psychological hold, the electricity around what you want. Remember the fence is internal! Only you can take it down. What’s better is that you even start to feel some of those positive feelings and sensations your heart knew all along could be found on the other side: pride, reward, expansion, connection, meaning, achievement?

So maybe you want to scope out the tantalizing or maybe scary fields awaiting you. Maybe you want to walk the perimeter a little and get yourself psyched by the positive feelings that await you. Get ready to feel a little discomfort (yes the feelings are uncomfortable but not fatal). Don’t run. Approach. Slowly but surely and claim what’s yours!

Here are a few more quotes that may help to inspire you:

“Don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to scare you. They’re there to let you know that something is worth it.” ~  C. JoyBell C.

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”  ~ Maya Angelou

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”  ~ Nelson Mandela

 

Mind your own business

“What other people think of me is none of my business. One of the highest places you can get to is being independent of the good opinions of other people.” ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer

As sure as this statement catches us by surprise can we be convinced of its depth and value.

Few are exempt from the sting of social censure, and for many the damage runs deep.

Imagine the power to be regained standing on this higher place. The power to pursue dreams, to connect freely and deeply, to be authentically who we are with the people who matter most to us.

Instead we often find ourselves giving away our power to others.  More specifically to others’ opinions of us. Sometimes we give it to people who matter to us, and sometimes we surprise ourselves by giving it to people whose opinions really shouldn’t matter as much as they do.

On another level this isn’t so surprising. We are social animals. Social animals are governed by norms and we actively protect the social order with them. Censure corrects and aligns for the greater good.

Religious and cultural practices establish and protect on a grand scale. Micro-corrections occur on a daily basis by peers, families, institutions, even strangers.

We have observant, critical minds wired to detect differences but also to prefer sameness for efficiency and later for social reasons. Censure comes easy. Contextualizing, understanding, allowing, trusting, accepting, even enabling or loving differences can be much harder.

Opinions fly fast and furious. The natural course is to be hit by them, sometimes knocked off course, other times knocked off our feet.

But we can also learn the natural order of things and adapt. We can anticipate, detect, and protect ourselves from them and we can even achieve the ambition of grounded independence from them.

If so do we run the risk of social  chaos? Hardly.

First, we are a long ways from running the risk of all hell breaking loose. Of the important social norms we have nearly universal agreement (no killing, no coveting, no stealing, and a few more). But this isn’t where we get most tripped up.

No, we’re suffering most hits on social comparison – who is smarter, faster, thinner, more attractive, innovative, educated, resourceful, making the best choices, purchases, decisions, salaries, investments.

Here’s where we can work to step out of the cross hares.

Get more aligned with yourself. Your values, your aspirations, your self and making choices, take actions from that place. Think about the hard, risky decisions you’ve made that came from that place, that others’ didn’t agree with but you felt resilient about. Usually very aligned with inner stuff. Outer world starts to matter a lot less. When opinions roll out, they are just that, opinions.

Right check your own actions and decisions against social norms. Are you considering the important social norms yourself?Are you treating people well, fairly, respectfully, with consideration?  Allow your conscience to do its job and keep you aligned with the important social rules. Chances are if you do that work up front and feel solid about your actions and decisions, you’ll stand up to others’ objections (internally) and not be engaged in battle or feel defeated by them.

Anticipate and prepare.  Before making decisions and taking action consider who is likely to react and get ahead of it. Decide who’s opinions really matter (they shouldn’t all carry the same weight). Second, take your feared reaction all the way to the cliff. What if they felt that way?  How serious would that really be? If you’re convinced it would be that strong, prepare enduring or responding.

Do an express 360. That is, reflect and consider a wider sweep of opinion from a variety of sources. Maybe there’s a useful piece of feedback. When you con side opinion in conjunction with multiple view points you have a better chance seeing outlying comments that you don’t need to take to heart and seeing patterns of comments maybe you should.

Consider that you’ve overestimated others’ objections. We can blow others’ interest and objections out of proportion. Sometimes we may be projecting our own insecurity or uncertainty in which case get that straightened out first you and it’ll be up to you to let yourself off the hook.

Keep your own opinions to yourself. Practice healthy detachment in the lives of others. Start to care less about others’ decisions and actions when they shouldn’t matter so much to YOU. It may sound paradoxical but if you’re able to stop yourself from weighing in on others’ people business you will increase your capacity to put others’ opinions back in their rightful place.

 Practice tolerance and aim for acceptance. If you want to deepen your practice further, notice differences in others’ choices and actions and be curious open and accepting.

With that in mind, get back to the business of connecting with yourself and your dreams and let others get back to the business of minding theirs!

The “truth” may set you free

 

“There are 3 sides to every story: yours, mine and what really happened. And no-one is lying. Memories shared serve each differently” ~ Robert Evans

We have our perceptions of things. How we see people. How they see us. The dynamic between us. How and why things played out the way they did.

We are attached to these perceptions.

We weave the “facts,” the characters, and our perceptions together to build our narrative. Sometimes these stories serve us, often they don’t.

If you ever had any doubt about our capacity to weave a story you need only think about your last “shower-fabricated conversation.” You know the ones. The ones where you don’t even need the other person’s input any more. A short exchange with someone that gets you fired up and then you take it from there! Person exists stage right. You pick up their role and yours in the shower: “Well if he/she thinks that…I have news for him/her! (Insert long-winded, dramatic, completely fabricated conversation here).

We are deeply attached to our side of the story, even if it’s a hard one. Let’s face it, we rarely re-enact exchanges of love and validation. They’re difficult exchanges and yet still we remain attached.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”~George Carlin

Now put on your best deeply-self-actualized monk/mentor/spiritual guide voice (you know the one that’s always asking the hard questions) and ask yourself this about your perception : “why so attached?”

If you’re convinced you’ve truly got it all sorted, why the intensity, the reliving, the role play? If we were were truly convinced of our story wouldn’t it be a lot less electric? Wouldn’t it settle in comfortably and fade to black.

To be just a little more provocative consider that your “attachment” to perception is a useful signal that you’re not so convinced, that your defences have arrived to protect you from a potential truth that you’re not sure you’re ready for. One that could be useful, the kind puts hair on your chest, but also freedom in your heart, if you dare to face it.

But maybe the shared or whole truth is not what you think (more accurately fear) but actually quite freeing, affirming, or at least, not scary, and minimally useful.

So consider making that internal narrative an actual dialogue the kind WITH another person. After all what’s the worse that could happen?

Scenario 1: you put it out there (I felt, I perceived, it seemed to me that) and the other person doesn’t have a lot to add or correct but is interested and receives your story (oh!). Same story, got it out of the shower, not earth-shattering gratification but world doesn’t end.

Scnenario 2: you put it out there (I felt, I perceived, it seemed to me) and the other person assumes their imagined role of defending, accusing, or invalidating (wasn’t like that at all, don’t know what you’re talking about). Your truth and their truth are two sides of the story that don’t add up to a third. You went for it, the thing you feared happened and you are free to move on if you so desire.

Scenario 3: you put it out there (I felt, I perceived, it seemed to me that…) and the other person responds in kind (well to me it was more like, and I felt…) and you expand toward a fuller version of “the truth.” Huh! helpful.

Scenario 4: you put it out there (I felt, I perceived) and the other person receives your truth but “challenges” your story with a more supportive, affirming truth, expanding in a desirable way (what I really meant, intended because…). Holy grail (not quite, but in this context close).

What conversation do you need to have? Maybe you want to towel off and have the real one, and run the risk of a bumping into the three sided-truth.

Take the chance.

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”~Ernest Hemingway