Give your gifts to 2015

“The greatest gift you can ever give another person is your own happiness” ~ Esther Hicks

This time of year, for many, is a time of gifts and of resolutions.

Let this year’s be simple: give freely of your gifts and resolve to stay firmly aligned with these gifts throughout the year.

In our efforts to strive and perform, obtain validation and adulation, we get off track. Often performing to standards and motivations we can no longer name we continue mindlessly pursuing goals that no longer have meaning to us. Resolve to get or keep yourself on track.

Whether we navigate by head, heart or soul, we “know” when we are in our right place, we know when our efforts, actions, and strivings are aligned with the gifts we have. We see it in the results. We feel it. Others feel it. The alignment is palpable, sometimes indescribable but we know it when it happens.

We have learned to apply effort and endurance to get out of life what we want. And indeed, self-discipline and determination are tremendous life skills. Without them we are limited in our capacity to express the gifts that we have. But these are skills to apply and are different from the gifts themselves.

When we remain strongly connected to our gifts (guided by the feedback we gather over time and experience), our energy is more fluid, ideas come more easily, doors open without force, people and results let us know. We’ve all experienced the difference in the results produced by pure effort and those produced by our core gifts or talents, enabled by effort and commitment.

If we’re open to it, if we have “faith” in our talents, the outcomes await us: feeling engrossed, inspired, connected, a sense of purpose, contribution, often “achievement” or reward without directly pursuing any of these happiness-inducing states. They are natural outcomes.

The beauty is that when we come from this place, we benefit. Others benefit. We needn’t “pursue.” We need only connect to this natural source.

Our only challenge, or mission as it were, is to learn how we can bring our gifts to our lives, to our work, to our relationships.

This is where we sometimes get off track, when we fail to see the connection, or fail to see the path, we get lost in translation.

This is where some combination of faith and resolve come into play. We need not question our gifts because the path is unclear, because others question us, or tell us our gifts should be different than what they are. We need to remain the guardians of what we have to bring and how we bring it.

This year, consider taking a different tack. Instead of trying to assess what a job, relationship or mission needs you to be, reflect upon how you can bring who you are and your gifts to it.

So, before you leave the station for year 2015, take a moment to remind yourself of your unique qualities, talents, or capacities and think about how you can anchor yourself firmly, bring these to bear on where you have set your sights for the year ahead.

Be open to the abundance that comes from this natural source for you and the fortunate who surround you.

Happy 2015!

The person born with a talent they are meant to use will find their greatest happiness in using it. ” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Talent is always conscious of its own abundance, and does not object to sharing.” ~Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, The First Circle

 

Happy 2014!

 

“Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.”~ Guillaume Apollinaire

Another year has past and here we find ourselves, once again, before our personal year in review.

While you may be among those who find this exercise about as inspiring as your annual performance review (or maybe even your annual medical) know that it needn’t be so!

There may indeed be more cause to celebrate.

We complain that these exercises are tedious, arduous or maybe even useless. More frequently, we avoid them all together for fear of discovering or rather highlighting what we should have done, planned to do, but didn’t.

But those of you who prepared for your last performance review, in good faith, following the steps, probably discovered that the exercise isn’t half bad. Maybe even have been uplifting!

The reality is that most of us will look back on our year. Unfortunately we’re inclined to do it in a rather partial and biased way. Sadly, not a favourable bias.

But when we dare take a more thorough look we discover that a lot happens in a year! A lot of good things (sometimes disguised as bad or hard).

It’s our guilty, self-critical ego that conducts that biased review. We can subject ourselves to this, falling into the same old pattern. We can also avoid it all together.

OR we can do it a new way. In a way that can allow us to feel good about the year behind us!

Here are few steps to follow for a more joyful, growth-promoting year-end review:

1. Start with the greatest change. Think about yourself one year ago today. Now consider the most important change that has occurred for you this year. Think about all you put into that change (whether you initiated it or not). From where you sit now, how did you get through it and what have been the benefits? If you can’t persuade yourself to see benefits consider the insights that resulted from that change (and how they will benefit you).

Notice that to start of your review joyfully, you needn’t start with a “positive” experience (often it isn’t) to feel a sense of satisfaction or meaning. What makes people “happy” is seeing see themselves on the other side of challenges and experiencing a benefit. If you stopped right here you’d already have a “successful” year.

2. Next consider your greatest relief! This doesn’t even need to be something that you’re responsible for though it may be. We live a variety of pressures or tensions in our lives (and those who are close to us). Sometimes they are unexpectedly, or more easily lifted or resolved. Could be a person you have a strained relationship with who has a change of heart, opens up to you, moves away. Could be a health concern that is resolved, was less serious than you thought, or treated successfully and off your mind.

Human nature is that when something resolves we tend to forget about it, even when it was something really “big” for us not that long ago. Trying to recall some of the fears and concerns we had over the past year that we no longer have to carry is cause for celebration. Indeed one of the things that people feel “happy” about is a sense of appreciation for a better, happier state than what they once knew (if they notice it).

3. Muster up the courage to look at what didn’t happen. Yes, it’s true, there were probably things that you’d planned to accomplish that you didn’t. If they were on your radar, they were probably important to you so it’s worth considering what got in the way. But make sure it’s not an unproductive ego-bashing session. Take a learning perspective. What did you set out to accomplish? Why was it important to you? Did it stop being so at some point? Did other things become more important? If it still was and you set out in earnest to tackle it what can you learn about the obstacles that got in your way? How would you approach it differently if you were to do it again?

There is a lot to be gained from our “failure” experiences if we take a learning approach. In contrast if looking at failures results only in self-recrimination we lose what could  be gained. We may even fail to try again. When we take a more productive approach it may make it onto next year’s priorities with an even better chance of being next year’s change.

4. Lastly, consider the year’s unexpected pleasures. Yes, a lot happens in a year, some of which we planned, some of which we didn’t. It includes some difficult things that we didn’t plan or choose but it also includes good things! A job change. A trip. A new skill. A new cherished relationships. An unexpected opportunity. A break! Fun!

Life surprises us. Sometimes the surprises bring love, laughter, and inspiration and not hardship. Don’t let the disappointments eclipse the pleasures.

So this year, consider “subjecting” yourself to a new yearly review, one that will leave you a little happier, more satisfied about your year and hopefully optimistic the year ahead.

“Everything you’ll need to know you have learned through your journey.” ~ Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

 

 

Make a wish!

 

“The problem with a wish list was what it told you about the person who wrote it. If it’s honest, it’s a rock-bottom, barebones, clear shot all the way to someone’s soul.” ~ Charles Martin, Where the River Ends

Wish lists speak volumes and can help realize dreams.

Imagine instead wish lists that contained real wishes. Now that would be powerful!

 

It would have to start with us knowing what we wish for!

You may smile reading that last sentence. Many of us would be hard pressed to write one simply but clearly articulated wish to populate our list if our life depended on it. And it does. At least the life we want does.

In reality we carry our wishes around with us all the time. Consciously or not, we act and react based on upon we wish for. Sometimes unbeknownst to us, and frequently unbeknownst to others.

Consider your self-improvement adventures. Are you smiling again? We all know where many of those end right? Back at the start.

And it isn’t for lack of intention. But it does start with intention. A well-articulated intention. “The wish.”

A good wish (one that has meaning and importance to you) is worth all the effort it takes to give it wings.

Step 1: Think about what you want! Sound obvious? Maybe, but this is often the crack in the foundation. This is the basis of the wish, what creates the possibility.

“If you’re not looking for the right thing, you can’t be disappointed if you don’t get it.” ~ Kenneth G. Eade, An Involuntary Spy 

This is where you want to be soul-baringly honest with yourself about what you want and what that means. Do you want to be a successful professional? What does that mean? (reputation, money, credibility, meaningful contribution? respect?) Do you want to be a great parent? What does that mean (present, patient, teacher of things, involved, firm, fair?) Do you wish to be in better shape? What does that mean? (fast, lean,strong?)

Step 2: Think about what comes along with your wish. If you are deeply sincere about your wish what else would you be committing to? If you wish to be more present to the important people in your life what else might you need to do less of? Less activity? More attention (less distraction)? More presence at very specific times? Is there something you’d have to give up? Are you willing? If we haven’t thought about the implications, made the space, the wish never had a chance. Make it possible by committing thoughtfully. If you’re not ready for the full deal. Don’t put it on the list. You would give the false impression that the wish was never possible, which wasn’t true. Make it possible.

Step 3: Consider wish list length and compatibility. May not feel very wish-list-like but if you’re serious there are some nuts and bolts to it.

Keep your wish list short. If everything’s on there, then nothing really is. We have limited attention to devote so don’t spread it too thin. More important still is the “internal compatibility “of your list. Are any of your wishes potentially contradictory to other wishes? If you want to be more fit and more successful professionally are they both possible? Maybe! If you want to make more money and be less busy are they compatible? Maybe. Depends. You need to make sure the dependencies work, or maybe you need to take another look at your list and ask yourself again, what do you really wish for?

Step 4: Commit to your wish. Set your intention. Find ways to remind yourself of it and start to get involved with it.  As soon as your “in” your wish should start to guide your choices and decisions, what you choose, what you leave behind, where you devote time, where you don’t anymore. Does my schedule,  my attention, my effort reflect my wish? Challenge yourself often.

Step 5: Share it! Too often we keep our wishes secret.  Afraid we’ll be misunderstood or judged. Afraid we may stumble in our pursuit of it. But in sharing it aren’t we making ourselves better understood. Aren’t we helping people to know what’s important to us? We’ve told ourselves what’s important to us, now we’re just taking it a step further by telling others. We need them, their help, their support. And often our wishes involve others. Why not let them in on it.

There’s a reason serious commitments in life have an audience, we usually need a little tension and a lot of encouragement and support. You don’t have to draw a crowd but consider telling a friend and certainly the people who’ll be involved. It’ll feel a little more real and a lot more possible as soon as you do.

Bonus exercise:

Think about the holidays around the corner. What do you wish for? Relaxation? Peace? Fun? Family? Looks at your plans. Does your wish have a chance? It’s not too late.

If wishes are the spark of dreams, set one alight!

Love simply.

“We must love the things we love for what they are.” ~ Robert Frost

Nothing is more complex and more simple than love.

We must choose simplicity.

When we start out love is uncomplicated, uncensored, unlimited, engaging and inspiring of all possibilities.

“Falling in love.” A wondrous time when you idealize your parents, your siblings, your lover, your work and your passions. You and they walk on water, invincible against life’s challenges.

But then things and feelings happen. You face obstacles, surprises, contradictions, hurts and disappointments. One day, one act, one event at a time, little pieces of love erode. Sometimes surreptitiously, sometimes suddenly.

“When we fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.” ~ Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

The reasons are as unlimited as love once was. Because it gets hard. Because we get hurt. Because people are real and not enough. Not enough to satisfy all our needs and dreams. Not enough to remove what hurts and fill us with what we believe would make us feel complete.

It’s also because we are not enough. Sometimes not strong enough to accept people for who and what they are. We struggle to accept that people, our work, and our passions are imperfect if they are real. We are imperfect and nothing will change that. We can change our minds and maybe our feelings about it, but not that humankind includes imperfection.

We long for those early days, either wishing for our idealized love or doubting whether the love was ever present.

The good news is that real love is resilient where ideal love can never be.

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them” ~ Thomas Merton

If we want more authentic love in our lives we need to bring it back its essence, to peel back the complexities and complications and find the love we once felt underneath it all. THEN communicate and tackle the day to day, the disagreements, the style differences, the practical wants and needs from that place of love. Start with the love, not with the reasons love is not enough, the person is not enough.

If you want to reconnect with the deeper love that lies below, here are a few suggestions:

Start with yourself. Start by accepting your imperfections. The more you accept your own the more you can accept others’ imperfections and their imperfect love. Start believing that you are enough. People who believe they are worthy communicate this to others and invite others into loving relationship.

Travel back in time. Reconnect with what you truly love or loved. Before you or they fell off the pedestal what was it that sparked you? Don’t let the imperfections cloud out what attracted you. Let those sparks fly in their purest, simplest form. Love what you loved. When you successfully communicate love and valuing, the focus can be on the adjustments you are requesting in a non-threatening way. When love is conditional (I would love you if, when, but) the person you love is distracted by doubts of their own worth and security and can’t be as available as we would like them to be. Once they feel secure, convey what could make the ride with them smoother, more enjoyable from your point of view.

Work on what is getting in the way. Let go of excuses. We hold love (and people) hostage to our list of needs and demands rather than owning them, working on them personally and responsibly. We can all find a long list of reasons of rationalizations why someone or something else should change or do something different and something first. We could just as readily focus on what we need to do, how we contribute to the way things are, how we need to act if change. Only when we have truly communicated and acted fully and responsibly, “done the hard work” without excuses do we have a real sense of what our love relationships can be.

Create a sense of urgency. Too often we hold back, sit with our rationalizations, waiting for circumstances to stimulate change. Imagine, instead that you are before an urgent situation, that someone or something you care for deeply is in peril. Urgent situations can both intensify and clarify our feelings. Allow your imagination to clarify. Cut away ego and history and act upon the power of the feelings you discover. Why wait? (hint: it’s probably ego).

Benefit from risk and bravery. When we choose to take love into our own hands we feel powerful (“enough”) to create the relationships we long for. We can trust these real relationships because they are founded on real people taking risks, expressing feelings, wishes and needs, getting hurt and persisting because it’s worth it. When we take risks we create a space that invites others into a deeper level of authentic relationship far more powerful than the ideal love we may have started with. We can also feel good about our own commitment to it.

So check your ego at the door, take love in your hands and invite others into real relationships, including their imperfections.

One loving relationship at a time we will all reap the benefits.

“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.” ~Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

“If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” ~ John Lennon

The stories we tell ourselves

It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.” ~ Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

Humankind was built for storytelling.

Our capacity to symbolize, to make connections, to teach, to unify, to inspire and to organize people and ideas through stories is nothing short of phenomenal.

We do it as naturally as we breath. So naturally, in fact, that we’re often not aware of the stories we’re spinning as we spin them. Without knowing, we can find ourselves cloaked in them, comforted or constrained, protected or vulnerable for what awaits us.

Just as naturally as we are storytellers, we are also editors. Inundated by information, by experiences big and small, we have no choice but to selectively to attend to and dismiss some of what happens to us to interpret and paint a picture.

This is where it gets interesting! It means we’re forever the authoring our own stories. Without ever deliberately forming or changing the plot we are intervening by the very act of observing ourselves, of telling our own stories to ourselves.

This is also where the plot thickens because the story we tell ourselves is also the story we tell others about our lives. Whether we tell the story openly (and we often do) or we simply act based on our internal story we shape people’s views and reactions to us.

The story changes over time as we gain perspective and experience we tell and retell it based on who we are and what we know now, and again our telling of it shapes how others understand the events that we experience.

True stories can’t be told forward, only backward. We invent them from the vantage point of an ever-changing present and tell ourselves how they unfolded.” ~Siri Hustvedt 

So why not take active authorship?

A simple beginning is to listen more actively to your internal story. What kind of story is it? Life has enough content that there’s no need to add any drama but notice most importantly the heroine or hero of your story. How is she or he cast in your story? Adventurous? Brave? Targeted? Smart? Victimized? Capable? Resourceful? Forgotten? Resilient? Loved? Lonely? Wiley?

Notice how the character feels and reacts? Challenged? Inspired? Determined? Defeated? Hopeless? Hopeful? This is really where we see that life’s events cannot be objectively classified but only experienced. And how different is that experience is depending on who lives it! Some of the best stories are of tremendous challenge and often loss. The inspiration is in the reaction. Some of the best stories surprise us in how they react and show us that the reaction is not determined by the situation but by the person.

“I wrote the story myself. It’s about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.” ~Mae West 

Next consider how you’ve cast yourself (you know it’s you deciding!) Is this the message you want to send yourself about how you experience your life? Is it fair? Is it harsh? Does it give you credit? Does it give you excuses or let you off the hook? Keep you a victim? Does it motivate and inspire you? The best stories recognize error and weakness, the challenge, the humanity but inspire to be strong, to approach again and again those things that matter to us in new ways, with new ideas new resolve, not to give up.

Then you can start to shape your next chapter. In the next events of your story (because it’s not over yet!) how do you want to cast yourself? How would the person you wish to be in the story react differently? Know that when you change your internal story you can’t help but change your reactions. People feel incongruence, when their experiences are at odds with our images of ourselves they are stimulated to create change, perhaps just in the telling of the story or they can change their behavior to be more aligned with who they wish to be.

If you’re not feeling too satisfied or inspired by your reactions to past events focus less on your past (except to be compassionate) but focus rather on initiating a plot twist that can help you to see yourself in a new light that you find motivating and satisfied with how you reacting to what life brings.

Keep developing that character – there are still many chapters ahead!

Stories never really end…even if the books like to pretend they do. Stories always go on. They don’t end on the last page, any more than they begin on the first page.” ~Cornelia Funke, Inkspell 

Express yourself!

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” ~Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Conflicts and heart ache come mainly from two things: what isn’t expressed and what isn’t expressed very well.

So many situations could be resolved simply by saying more, speaking the unspoken as it were.

So why don’t we?

Often we hold back  because we fear damaging a relationship. Ironically, this can be the very thing that causes it to falter. It’s an illusion that we’re not communicating when we choose not to speak. But when the words are missing, other forms of communication (usually less effectively) speak on our behalf. These partial and ambiguous forms of communication can do more damage than well-chosen words or gestures ever could.

Other situations could also be resolved by saying things better.

Here again we struggle, this time often chalked up to skill but just as often about intention and motivation to engage in the hard work that effective communication demands. We set out to “communicate” and we end up unleashing our arsenals of hurts and demands, leaving ourselves and others and hurt and confused.

“The single greatest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

The solution? A mixture of daring to conquer fear and fortitude to engage in authentic conversation, readiness to speak and openness to hear, carefully-considered motivation and commitment to take it the whole way through.

Here are a few tips to help you feel armed to say more and say it better:

Step 1: Check your intention. If it’s about sharing authentic experience and expressing needs move to step 2. If it’s really about venting or unleashing, justifying, or being right, get out your journal, put on your running shoes, dance, sing loudly, meditate, paint, regroup and check your intention again to see if you’re more ready to channel into productive expression.

Step 2: Express your message first to yourself. What are you really trying to say? Chances are if you are having difficulty expressing it to yourself, it isn’t going to get easier when you’re in front of a person or a situation you feel strongly about. Take the time to reflect and clarify it to yourself to give yourself the chance to be understood.

Step 3: Check your words. When we’re uncomfortable we don’t want to think about it too much but nothing’s better than mulling it over a little to find words, phrases, metaphors that capture the essence of your message. Don’t forget to balance feelings and imagery with facts and examples to increase your chances of reaching your audience. In the heat of the moment right words can be hard to come by and examples can feel sparse. Better to line your pockets before leaving. The classic rule still applies, always pass your words through that final filter: what would it feel like to hear this? (hint: your message should feel more compelling than crazy or else go back through steps 1 to 3).

Step 4: Choose your channel. What form should this communication take? Email? Face to face? Text? Does the channel fit the subject? Any chance the channel you are using makes you feel safe in the short term but is actually dangerous for the message you have to convey? Usually a little self-honesty goes a long way on this one but validating with someone you trust helps too.

Step 5: Choose your timing. If you’re motivation is to be heard, understood and hopefully have your needs met, you need to consider timing that’s good for you AND your audience. When you reach clarity you can feel enthusiasm even urgency to communicate (great!) but be sure your timing will allow your listener to be receptive (hint: few people are truly receptive at bed time, when already stressed, hungry, or on their way out the door).

Step 6: Go boldly forth! Summon up your courage, intentions aligned, message clarified, facts and words ready to engage, but with your ego carefully bubble-wrapped. No matter how well-prepared we are, communication is two-way and no manner of homework can have us fully prepared for others’ reactions. Indeed for it to qualify as communication you need feedback and reactions, corrections and clarifications to get all the way through to understanding. Expect that it won’t play out exactly as you planned, plan to learn something new, see adjustment not as failure but as a normal part of the process.

Step 7: Check with your audience. Even with the best of intentions and planning what we intend to communicate and what our audience retains can be two very different things. See if your message was really communicated!

One last tip: communicate when things are going well! People often wait until things have gone awry before they muster up the courage to speak. Imagine how much easier it would be to open the channels of communication by expressing admiration or appreciation or proactively expressing what you like and need. When the channels are already open it’ll also be far easier to bring up the harder subjects.

“Communication is truth; communication is happiness. To share is our duty; to go down boldly and bring to light those hidden thoughts which are the most diseased; to conceal nothing; to pretend nothing; if we are ignorant to say so; if we love our friends to let them know it.” ~ Virginia Woolf

 

When gray is quite ok!

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The path to wonderful can be paved with a whole lot of ordinary.

Somewhere between the place we no longer wish to be and an attractive destination are shades of gray.

Our capacity to endure (even be interested in) the gray can be the very thing that enables us to persist on our path, hanging on the glimmers of what we aspire to or be distracted to pursue another.

We leave on the journey full of hope and more importantly expectation. Maybe this is IT! what my life needed all along! And NOW I’m finally on it!

And then what? Small improvements. Small successes. Small failures (or big ones). Sometimes great days. And a bunch of “ok” days some punctuated by the odd ray of sunshine.

Wait? Is this what the path is supposed to feel like? Maybe this isn’t it?

This is where our powers of observation, of analysis, and especially expectations can fail us because this IS pretty much what the path to better even wonderful feels like!

Our expectations are set to “awesome” and the path delivers gray (at least some of the time).

But if we took that step back and re-set those expectations using our minds and not our hearts we could set the expectations to include some combination of successes, failure and vague feelings of “better.” How else could it really be when we’re trying new things and building new skills but a mixed bag?

We could also consider that gray always happens somewhere along the path between what we don’t want and what we do. It can’t happen in one bounce. In that middle place is uncertainty which breeds anxiety, doubt, and an instinct to jump, to react, to change. This would be premature of course, because nothing could have worked yet. Instead we could simply recognize it as our natural reaction to uncertainty when we’re trying to change something to make it better feeling anxious and impatient for results. Naturally there will be doubt and discomfort and we don’t need to react. Just acknowledge and stay on the path.

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.” ~Mark Z. Danielewski

And there may be yet another angle that can help us through that zone of uncertainty, of ordinary, of “ok” but not great. And that is the happiness that comes from “better than what it was.” One of the interesting discoveries of positive psychology is that when people remember what they were suffering from but are no longer suffering from they can feel better about where they are right now, even if that isn’t extraordinary. If you’re on the path to improvement, probably you can recall what put you on that path, a time that wasn’t as ok as it is right now. That in and of itself can be that small signal, the glimmer that your path is worth staying on, seeing through, that you’re on the right track.

We have a natural thirst for the destination, for that better place, and also a natural repulsion for ordinary, uncertain, maybe bumpy times. But we may be able to hold on when things are just “ok,” not great, knowing that we’re just where we are meant to be…on the path to better.

“Look closely at the present you are constructing. Begin to see the future you dream of.”  ~Alice Walker.

The fountain of happiness

 

“Of all the things I’ve lost. I miss my mind the most.” ~Mark Twain

When asked where happiness lives, most will respond spontaneously “well in the heart of course!”

And the heart is, indeed, a vital organ in matters of happiness, but it may not be the most vital.

Counterintuitive as it may seem, our potential for both happiness and unhappiness is most strongly connected to the brain (for better or for worse).

Deeply burried in our “lizard brain” is our very powerful fear response, one that has kept us from going the way of the dinosaur. Trouble is due to evolutionary need for a speed it is not a sophisticated response (except perhaps for how it can mobilize the entire body in a flash!). But in terms of human psychology, it responds to all threats (big, small, physical and psychological) with the same, frequently exaggerated response: fight or retreat!

This response, “sadly” does us no favours in the experience of happiness in our lives. It can slow us down, prevent even paralyze us, in our pursuit of what can bring us meaning, connection, pleasure, engagement, and ultimately deep feelings of reward and satisfaction.

In the vein of not fighting with what is, this instinctive fear response in the brain is here for the duration (at least ours).  It is what it is as they say.

Lucky for us, we also evolved a higher brain (the neocortex) that can compensate, can enable us to live happier lives, if only we used it (for happiness that is)!

What often happens is that we let our lizard brain, our fear, run amuck with our lives and we don’t engage our thinking mind in the service of our wellbeing.

Untapped fountain of happiness.

“If you correct your mind. The rest of your life will fall into place.” ~Lao Tau

This untapped potential comes from our mind’s potential to face scary situation and pause.

And when we quiet the scared mind, even for a moment (and yes this can take some doing), we can see the moment of choice.

This is the power of the mind, to give us choice. The mind has incredible capacity to separate us from our instinctive reactions and emotions. Different from “detachment” it’s the capacity to see that we are not our reactions if we choose not to be. In that brief pause we can make abstraction from our scary situations, gain perspective, see alternatives, and then respond, if we choose.

“The spirit of a man is constructed out of his choices.” ~ Irvin D. Yalom, When Nietzsche Wept

But while there is great untapped potential in apply our minds to the business of happiness, the cost is responsibility.

Because when we see the moment of choice and we don’t take it, we realize we chose, and we live with that. Hard but not deadly.

When we see the moment of choice and we take it, we risk making mistakes.  Also hard but not deadly.

“Responsibility is a grace you give yourself not an obligation” ~Dan Millman

The critical gain is that we see our potential to use choice to fashion our lives after what our heart wants.

We may not get it right. Especially not at first but it’s the only path toward it. It’s a gift as we see it as such.

But seeing the choice can also make us feel more satisfied with what we already have by seeing as just that, a choice, not something that was imposed upon us. Then we decide, we maintain that choice or we make a different one.

He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing.”~ Sherman Alexie

Just think, we still have our fall back: let the lizard brain run the show! (I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had that much faith in lizards!)

If you’ve had that feeling of “losing your mind” a little in the daily grind, maybe it’s time to re-engage it more actively in your life plans, giving it the responsibility it can handle. With it you make thoughtful choice that support you in making changes, pursuing pleasures, dreams, aspirations that have been on your mind and in your heart just waiting for you act! Without it, well, we all know what that looks like.

“Life calls the tune, we dance.”~ John Galsworthy

 

Mind your tone!

 

“There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behavior, like the wish to scatter joy around us.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Did you know that in happy relationships the ratio of positive to negative interactions is 5:1?

For you positivity skeptics out there, know that this doesn’t mean making senseless empty “happy” statements to the important people in your life.

What it does mean is though, is that the tone of your interactions is much more often positive than negative.

For some, this is a devastatingly unnatural or unromantic way of thinking about relationships (what? positivity ratios!?!)

Leaving the research jargon aside, the finding essentially reflects that when relationships are satisfying and enduring it’s because they are stimulating, fun, inspiring and pleasurable much more often than they bring you down, engage you in emotional conflict, complicate things, leave you feeling deflated or discouraged.

Bring to mind one of your most rewarding relationships? Soak in the tone of that relationship. What are your conversations and experiences with this person?

Now think about one that really doesn’t work for you? What’s your experience of it?

The science confirms what we intuitively know about our significant relationships.

This of course doesn’t mean that deeply satisfying relationships don’t include times of hardship, conflict or pain. How committed could our relationships be if we weren’t present to them in good times and bad. But it does mean this doesn’t characterize the relationship. Indeed it’s the overall experience of the relationship and the pleasure we associate with it that fuels our ability to be there through it all with that person.

The beauty is that the tone that you set has a significant influence on that relationship, what tone comes back to you and the likelihood that the relationship will be an enduring and healthy one.

So if you cherish your relationship with someone consider the tone of that relationship. How are you balancing the positive and the negative? Want to increase your odds of keeping that person in your life?

When the demands on us are high we can too easily neglect our most important relationships and inadvertently make it the place we bring all our troubles and doubts, express our demands, our criticisms and our disappointments. And we should feel safe in doing so, but not without considering what we’re putting back into that relationship to maintain an overall positive balance where the other person all feels stimulation, fun, holding and acceptance.

If you think your important relationships could stand a little top up on positive interactions here are some examples of what you can do to shift the tone:

Share in something new. Sharing a new activity or experience triggers positive feelings, especially in couples. Learning and exploring about new skill or topic (playful debaters may particularly enjoy this one) also has the same stimulating effect.

Laugh and reminisce. People who can laugh together, particularly who have shared memories of laughing and enjoying themselves together that they can draw upon, describe their relationship as more positive.

Enjoy nature. When people experience nature (a nature walk, natural beauty), they feel relaxation and enjoyment that is associated with that relationship.

Play. One surefire way to bathe your relationship in positivity is to invite play into it. Play is one of the activities that hits all the notes at once including learning and discovery, laughter, joy and connection.

Scan and share. People who are emotionally well (“happy”) notice what’s going right in their life. Retrain ad refocus your attention so that you have different experiences to bring back to your relationship (than what may be the usual litany of what’s going wrong in your life). Getting into the habit of bringing positive experiences into your relationship will help to ensure you (and probably your partner) tip the balance if not re-set the tone of what you share.

Practice acceptance. Much conflict, yearning, and disappointment in relationship comes from a desire to be fully invited and accepted into that relationship. The more you can invite the person fully, the more you are both free to experience the joy of that relationship.

Express affection. While everyone has suggestions for improvement for the people they love and feel safe with, make sure you’re just as often and even more often expressing the positive feelings you have for them (what you feel, appreciate and admire).

 “If conversation was the lyrics, laughter was the music, making time spent together a melody that could be replayed over and over without getting stale.” ~ Nicholas Sparks

 

Stand on your death!

 

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”~ Woody Allen.

Nothing in life is more certain than death and taxes.

Since the 18th century they have been held as the quintessence of inevitability, even certainty.

For so many, the fear of death can be the very thing that stands in the way of fully living.

Wait! We’re not really going to be talking about this are we?

Yes!

And if you are someone who feels queasy at the mere mention of it you may just have the most to gain from staying in even if just a little while longer.

The paradox of death is that it is highly inevitable but far from certain! Yes we do know that it will happen but we don’t know how, or when, or who will be with us or what may happens after.

It’s this uncertainty surrounding our death that fuels the power that it can hold.

Consider this: People who fear having a serious illness express more anxiety than people who have it!

People like to be in control. When we don’t have control we can either become preoccupied with it or sometimes we avoid it all together (well, we can avoid thinking about it all together).

The preoccupation tends to just tie up time to we could be living worrying about death and sometimes has us engaging in acts we hope will enable us to live longer (some of them good healthy things to do as long as we don’t fall into the trap of thinking we’re actually in control of our death).

Avoidance, on the other hand, wields a special kind of power. Though we’re not thinking about it (we may even actively blocking it out), it is ever-present and mysteriously gains power. Interesting how this can be especially true as others around us age or fall ill or face it with people they love. A lot going on for something we’re not thinking about.

But that’s just how fear works. The more we fear it, and particularly the more we avoid it, the more power it gains, taking away valuable healthy time living.

The “solution?’ Stand on your death!

Look it squarely in the eyes.

What do you imagine? feel? fear?

Remember you’re just imagining. You can’t bring it on by just thinking about it.

Actually it’s one thing that can help manage it. Help by highlighting what about it has hold on you that you can do anything about by leaning in (through fact gathering, planning, communicating, problem-solving, accepting).

Just looking helps. “Oh it’s that!”

What can you actively do to prepare even address what scares you about it? Anything? If so, decide whether you want to do something about that.

Here’s the caveat. We don’t actually have any more control over our death. We’re facing what’s in our imagination about it. But that still helps (it’s the same thing that’s fuelling our fear).

People who are facing serious illness do better when they can hold different scenarios in their minds and hearts simultaneously, realistically, neither optimistically nor pessimistically.

A healthy line of thought plays out something like this: This is what I imagine (and maybe fear) and here’s how I might react/respond to that if I can. Maybe it’ll play out that way. Maybe it won’t but I’ll have prepared what I can in the event that it does.

And then, after we’ve pushed pause just long enough to face death you have the power to LIVE fearlessly.

But the greatest value of standing on your death, while you’re there, is to decide whether you’re living the live that you want to live now with health and happiness. Are you doing or pursuing work that’s meaningful to you? Are you taking care of yourself?Are you present to your kids? Are you listening to and expressing yourself to the love of your life? Are you staying connected to people who matter to you? Are you pursuing a life that you can love?

That’s the real value of death: fuelling a life you’re inspired to live.

“You only live twice: Once when you’re born, and once when you look death in the face.” ~Ian Fleming