“There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behavior, like the wish to scatter joy around us.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Did you know that in happy relationships the ratio of positive to negative interactions is 5:1?
For you positivity skeptics out there, know that this doesn’t mean making senseless empty “happy” statements to the important people in your life.
What it does mean is though, is that the tone of your interactions is much more often positive than negative.
For some, this is a devastatingly unnatural or unromantic way of thinking about relationships (what? positivity ratios!?!)
Leaving the research jargon aside, the finding essentially reflects that when relationships are satisfying and enduring it’s because they are stimulating, fun, inspiring and pleasurable much more often than they bring you down, engage you in emotional conflict, complicate things, leave you feeling deflated or discouraged.
Bring to mind one of your most rewarding relationships? Soak in the tone of that relationship. What are your conversations and experiences with this person?
Now think about one that really doesn’t work for you? What’s your experience of it?
The science confirms what we intuitively know about our significant relationships.
This of course doesn’t mean that deeply satisfying relationships don’t include times of hardship, conflict or pain. How committed could our relationships be if we weren’t present to them in good times and bad. But it does mean this doesn’t characterize the relationship. Indeed it’s the overall experience of the relationship and the pleasure we associate with it that fuels our ability to be there through it all with that person.
The beauty is that the tone that you set has a significant influence on that relationship, what tone comes back to you and the likelihood that the relationship will be an enduring and healthy one.
So if you cherish your relationship with someone consider the tone of that relationship. How are you balancing the positive and the negative? Want to increase your odds of keeping that person in your life?
When the demands on us are high we can too easily neglect our most important relationships and inadvertently make it the place we bring all our troubles and doubts, express our demands, our criticisms and our disappointments. And we should feel safe in doing so, but not without considering what we’re putting back into that relationship to maintain an overall positive balance where the other person all feels stimulation, fun, holding and acceptance.
If you think your important relationships could stand a little top up on positive interactions here are some examples of what you can do to shift the tone:
Share in something new. Sharing a new activity or experience triggers positive feelings, especially in couples. Learning and exploring about new skill or topic (playful debaters may particularly enjoy this one) also has the same stimulating effect.
Laugh and reminisce. People who can laugh together, particularly who have shared memories of laughing and enjoying themselves together that they can draw upon, describe their relationship as more positive.
Enjoy nature. When people experience nature (a nature walk, natural beauty), they feel relaxation and enjoyment that is associated with that relationship.
Play. One surefire way to bathe your relationship in positivity is to invite play into it. Play is one of the activities that hits all the notes at once including learning and discovery, laughter, joy and connection.
Scan and share. People who are emotionally well (“happy”) notice what’s going right in their life. Retrain ad refocus your attention so that you have different experiences to bring back to your relationship (than what may be the usual litany of what’s going wrong in your life). Getting into the habit of bringing positive experiences into your relationship will help to ensure you (and probably your partner) tip the balance if not re-set the tone of what you share.
Practice acceptance. Much conflict, yearning, and disappointment in relationship comes from a desire to be fully invited and accepted into that relationship. The more you can invite the person fully, the more you are both free to experience the joy of that relationship.
Express affection. While everyone has suggestions for improvement for the people they love and feel safe with, make sure you’re just as often and even more often expressing the positive feelings you have for them (what you feel, appreciate and admire).
“If conversation was the lyrics, laughter was the music, making time spent together a melody that could be replayed over and over without getting stale.” ~ Nicholas Sparks
happiness contagion mission 