The path to personal improvement is to say the least bumpy.
We arm ourselves with great intentions and a plan. We set out to communicate more, react less, take risks, be more planful, less indulgent, more confident, less judgmental, more patient, proactive, present, more the person we want to be.
Frequently we work on giving ourselves all the “conditions for success.” We evaluate our readiness and commitment (check!), we read up on all the best techniques (check!), cleared space on our calendar, recruited moral and expert support (check! check! and check!)
And these are important things to do. But we know where it’s going to really happen is in the “doing.”
“For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we ultimately learn by doing them” ~ Aristotle
So we do…or almost. After a couple more false starts we start in earnest. Sometimes hoping for the best, sometimes fearing the worst. Wondering how we may received by the willing or unwilling partners in our trials.
Finally we make a move. Maybe we hope to feel victorious and exhilirated, usually we feel uneasy (maybe even a little sweaty). We stumble a little or a lot, maybe even fall.
Woah – that was uncomfortable!
Common reaction? Retreat! Review the list, was I ready enough? prepared enough? is now really the best time for this?
This is where the pivotal moment lives. Ok so retreat briefly and regroup! But while you’re at it, strengthen your resolve, your commitment and maybe even your insistence on being uncomfortable. Expansion and improvement live around the edges, outside where we feel comfortable and competent. If we can’t accept discomfort, we don’t get to the other side.
This is the challenge of the adult learner. And ultimately that’s all it is. Learning. We love to be good at things before we’ve made the attempts and learned the skills. It doesn’t work that way.
“Have patience. All things are difficult before they become easy” ~Saadi
When we can reframe the experience as the discomfort of expanding our skills (and by the way we’re just as impatient about learning a new sport or professional skill) we may just find ourselves a little tolerance, maybe even endurance to become more fully who we wish to be.
So, yes you may need to expand your skills on your personal path to improvement but this will come a lot easier if you can first grow a little more tolerance for being uncomfortable for a little while.
Consider these tips along the way:
Reframe it! Those awkward, uneasy feelings – just the discomfort of learning something new. Keep going!
Set a low bar. No really. You’re not trying to get it perfect right out of the gate. You’re aiming for improvement. Every time you try, no matter how it goes, ask yourself what you learned and try again! You can’t fail if the objective was to learn something and it may keep you from giving up.
Recruit supporters or acquire them along the way. One of the obstacles to learning is feeling observed or judged by others who can see “something’s” going on with you. Why not let them in on your plan. Maybe they can offer support or feedback. If you tried out a new skill on someone and it didn’t quite go as you’d hoped. Maybe you can debrief with them and let them in on what you’re trying to improve. You may just gain their respect and support for your commitment to improve.
Be duly proud of yourself! Know that often people give up on themselves when the heat turns up and be self-congratulatory for honouring your commitment. It’s not easy and you’re still doing it.
Be patient! Any real improvement takes time. Often we’re trying to change behaviours that we’ve built over a life time, so it’s going to take time for new skills to feel solid, even easy. Keep your sense of humour about it. “The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching not smashing the egg” ~ Arnhold H. Glasgow
Encourage fellow learners. Be forgiving and supportive when you see others on their path. You know what it feels like. Live through others’ awkward attempts to do it better and encourage them for their efforts. We all stand to benefit.
Stay focused on your goal. You set out to make the changes with very important reasons (go back to your preparation notes!) to help you persist through the awkward uncomfortable feelings to get where you set out to go in the first place. These feelings were an inevitable part of your path.
So try taking a new view of discomfort as a tolerable, certainly necessary, sometimes humorous, and maybe even interesting part of your path to personal discovery and go get ’em!
“When a poet digs himself into a hole, he doesn’t climb out. He digs deeper, enjoys the scenery and comes out the other side enlightened.” ~ Criss Jami
happiness contagion mission 