“What other people think of me is none of my business. One of the highest places you can get to is being independent of the good opinions of other people.” ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer
As sure as this statement catches us by surprise can we be convinced of its depth and value.
Few are exempt from the sting of social censure, and for many the damage runs deep.
Imagine the power to be regained standing on this higher place. The power to pursue dreams, to connect freely and deeply, to be authentically who we are with the people who matter most to us.
Instead we often find ourselves giving away our power to others. More specifically to others’ opinions of us. Sometimes we give it to people who matter to us, and sometimes we surprise ourselves by giving it to people whose opinions really shouldn’t matter as much as they do.
On another level this isn’t so surprising. We are social animals. Social animals are governed by norms and we actively protect the social order with them. Censure corrects and aligns for the greater good.
Religious and cultural practices establish and protect on a grand scale. Micro-corrections occur on a daily basis by peers, families, institutions, even strangers.
We have observant, critical minds wired to detect differences but also to prefer sameness for efficiency and later for social reasons. Censure comes easy. Contextualizing, understanding, allowing, trusting, accepting, even enabling or loving differences can be much harder.
Opinions fly fast and furious. The natural course is to be hit by them, sometimes knocked off course, other times knocked off our feet.
But we can also learn the natural order of things and adapt. We can anticipate, detect, and protect ourselves from them and we can even achieve the ambition of grounded independence from them.
If so do we run the risk of social chaos? Hardly.
First, we are a long ways from running the risk of all hell breaking loose. Of the important social norms we have nearly universal agreement (no killing, no coveting, no stealing, and a few more). But this isn’t where we get most tripped up.
No, we’re suffering most hits on social comparison – who is smarter, faster, thinner, more attractive, innovative, educated, resourceful, making the best choices, purchases, decisions, salaries, investments.
Here’s where we can work to step out of the cross hares.
Get more aligned with yourself. Your values, your aspirations, your self and making choices, take actions from that place. Think about the hard, risky decisions you’ve made that came from that place, that others’ didn’t agree with but you felt resilient about. Usually very aligned with inner stuff. Outer world starts to matter a lot less. When opinions roll out, they are just that, opinions.
Right check your own actions and decisions against social norms. Are you considering the important social norms yourself?Are you treating people well, fairly, respectfully, with consideration? Allow your conscience to do its job and keep you aligned with the important social rules. Chances are if you do that work up front and feel solid about your actions and decisions, you’ll stand up to others’ objections (internally) and not be engaged in battle or feel defeated by them.
Anticipate and prepare. Before making decisions and taking action consider who is likely to react and get ahead of it. Decide who’s opinions really matter (they shouldn’t all carry the same weight). Second, take your feared reaction all the way to the cliff. What if they felt that way? How serious would that really be? If you’re convinced it would be that strong, prepare enduring or responding.
Do an express 360. That is, reflect and consider a wider sweep of opinion from a variety of sources. Maybe there’s a useful piece of feedback. When you con side opinion in conjunction with multiple view points you have a better chance seeing outlying comments that you don’t need to take to heart and seeing patterns of comments maybe you should.
Consider that you’ve overestimated others’ objections. We can blow others’ interest and objections out of proportion. Sometimes we may be projecting our own insecurity or uncertainty in which case get that straightened out first you and it’ll be up to you to let yourself off the hook.
Keep your own opinions to yourself. Practice healthy detachment in the lives of others. Start to care less about others’ decisions and actions when they shouldn’t matter so much to YOU. It may sound paradoxical but if you’re able to stop yourself from weighing in on others’ people business you will increase your capacity to put others’ opinions back in their rightful place.
Practice tolerance and aim for acceptance. If you want to deepen your practice further, notice differences in others’ choices and actions and be curious open and accepting.
With that in mind, get back to the business of connecting with yourself and your dreams and let others get back to the business of minding theirs!
happiness contagion mission 