“There are 3 sides to every story: yours, mine and what really happened. And no-one is lying. Memories shared serve each differently” ~ Robert Evans
We have our perceptions of things. How we see people. How they see us. The dynamic between us. How and why things played out the way they did.
We are attached to these perceptions.
We weave the “facts,” the characters, and our perceptions together to build our narrative. Sometimes these stories serve us, often they don’t.
If you ever had any doubt about our capacity to weave a story you need only think about your last “shower-fabricated conversation.” You know the ones. The ones where you don’t even need the other person’s input any more. A short exchange with someone that gets you fired up and then you take it from there! Person exists stage right. You pick up their role and yours in the shower: “Well if he/she thinks that…I have news for him/her! (Insert long-winded, dramatic, completely fabricated conversation here).
We are deeply attached to our side of the story, even if it’s a hard one. Let’s face it, we rarely re-enact exchanges of love and validation. They’re difficult exchanges and yet still we remain attached.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”~George Carlin
Now put on your best deeply-self-actualized monk/mentor/spiritual guide voice (you know the one that’s always asking the hard questions) and ask yourself this about your perception : “why so attached?”
If you’re convinced you’ve truly got it all sorted, why the intensity, the reliving, the role play? If we were were truly convinced of our story wouldn’t it be a lot less electric? Wouldn’t it settle in comfortably and fade to black.
To be just a little more provocative consider that your “attachment” to perception is a useful signal that you’re not so convinced, that your defences have arrived to protect you from a potential truth that you’re not sure you’re ready for. One that could be useful, the kind puts hair on your chest, but also freedom in your heart, if you dare to face it.
But maybe the shared or whole truth is not what you think (more accurately fear) but actually quite freeing, affirming, or at least, not scary, and minimally useful.
So consider making that internal narrative an actual dialogue the kind WITH another person. After all what’s the worse that could happen?
Scenario 1: you put it out there (I felt, I perceived, it seemed to me that) and the other person doesn’t have a lot to add or correct but is interested and receives your story (oh!). Same story, got it out of the shower, not earth-shattering gratification but world doesn’t end.
Scnenario 2: you put it out there (I felt, I perceived, it seemed to me) and the other person assumes their imagined role of defending, accusing, or invalidating (wasn’t like that at all, don’t know what you’re talking about). Your truth and their truth are two sides of the story that don’t add up to a third. You went for it, the thing you feared happened and you are free to move on if you so desire.
Scenario 3: you put it out there (I felt, I perceived, it seemed to me that…) and the other person responds in kind (well to me it was more like, and I felt…) and you expand toward a fuller version of “the truth.” Huh! helpful.
Scenario 4: you put it out there (I felt, I perceived) and the other person receives your truth but “challenges” your story with a more supportive, affirming truth, expanding in a desirable way (what I really meant, intended because…). Holy grail (not quite, but in this context close).
What conversation do you need to have? Maybe you want to towel off and have the real one, and run the risk of a bumping into the three sided-truth.
Take the chance.
“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”~Ernest Hemingway
happiness contagion mission 