Sound like a big question? It is! But you can break it down.
As you probably suspected, there is no one recipe for becoming a better person. No two people start from the same place nor would they have the same “better person” destination in mind.
To correct one false misconception before starting is the notion that you’re becoming “another person,” that it’s not already you! Becoming another person would neither be feasible nor desirable (though on your worst days you may wish it so).
You arrived on this planet with a basic personality that is likely going to stick. By far people underestimate the influence of their biological temperament (things like personality style and emotionality) on their default inclinations.
Next are some of the key experiences and the dynamics they set into play during our formative years. Regardless of what school of thought you may subscribe to, no one denies the impact of these early experiences on how we connect with others, think and react to what happens to us later.
From here arise the conclusions or hopefully protestations that “hey doesn’t this mean we’re doomed!”
And this is where a key misunderstanding occurs. Acknowledging influences is not the same as declaring helplessness. Noticing and understanding our inclinations is where power of choice begins.
We learned important lessons in the 70’s from the behaviourists and in the 80’s and 90’s from the cognitive behaviourists who were agnostic when it came to the origins of a behaviour. Whether your disruptive thoughts came from basic personality, family of origin, or other experiences, the resulting behaviour is a behaviour with the potential to be reshaped.
When it comes to becoming more of who we want to be (the better person we have in mind), it must go beyond thoughts, intentions and words! To be compelling to you or the people who matter to you, there must be a behavioural manifestation.
Put simply, the improved you must include improved actions.
So think about what you might mean if ever you’re having thoughts of personal improvement. How specifically would an improved you act or react differently than you already do? Break it down to specific situations you’d like to react to differently. Target small, simple (but not always easy) actions that would be better aligned with the person you want to be more often and start experimenting, start implementing.
Resist the urge to require unrealistic wholesale change. Do the work of thinking about yourself more fully, including all of the qualities, values, skills that you have (that you probably want to hang on to!). Then consider, what parts, specifically, do you need to target and what would that look like?
Then start by noticing opportunities where you could fall into your default action or reaction and see where you can hit pause, see the choice in front of you, and take small opportunities to react differently in your daily life.
Taken together, all of these small, but important new actions and reactions add up to you becoming more and more of the person you aspire to be. Each action, reaction, decision, choice counts toward reinforcing sameness or signalling change.
So to come back to the rather big question of how do you become a “better person?”
One small act of kindness, restraint, love, generosity, courage, forgiveness, of change at a time!
happiness contagion mission 